I'm...gulp.....I'm......hesitating to say this.....I...think I'm making some real progress. Wow.
Well first things first - I lost 1 pounds this week. Meh - whatever. I'm more excited about the other forms of progress.
I've felt stressed - and recognized the urge to eat - and saw it for what it was. The urge to eat. I went for a walk.
I've felt disappointed and sad...and recognized the urge to eat my brains out and drink until I fall down....and saw it for what it was. I watched some TV and emailed a friend.
I've stopped thinking of exercise as a chore for weight related reasons and started thinking of it as something nice to do for my body. I've worked out almost every day, and not felt at all guilty on the days that I didn't.
I've eaten for joy - and been okay with it. I've enjoyed it for what it was - a conscious desicion, and pleasure. But mostly, I've eaten fuel foods, and I've been fine with that.
But the biggest way that I can tell I've changed - or am on the way? I. Haven't. Binged. Not once have I eaten to the point of being gross. Not once have I ate and regretted it. Not once have I shamefully emptied the garbage because I can't stand to look at the wrappers in there. I haven't felt guilt, therefore, I haven't felt that, "well I've fucked up, may as well start over next week" feeling.
However, this weekend is my birthday. Tomorrow. Am having my family up to celebrate with me, and am planning on going out for a yummy dinner tomorrow night in the N. End. I'll eat. And drink. For joy. Am also going to take myself out for fried clams next week. My 1x/year outing.
So - we'll see if I can make it through this binge free. Am REALLY going to try.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Update
I'm really loving my new plan. I think before I eat, pay attention to hunger signals while I'm eating, don't feel guilty, balance, and journal - both food and feelings. This week I had some challenges - my friend showed up with a bottle of wine....so I had carrots for dinner. I went to lunch with a client and strategically had a snack first, ordered a salad, ate half. I've been avoiding cheese and my belly feels better. I have fallen back in love with tofu shirataki - and have been having sauteed tomatoes and garlic with tofu shirataki for dinner. Tonight I'm having dinner out for restaurant week, but I've checked out the menu and strategically decided what I'll have. Tomorrow night is drinks with a friend - but I"ll keep it in check.
And I lost 3.5 pounds - am at 208.6. Hooray for me!
And I lost 3.5 pounds - am at 208.6. Hooray for me!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Update - to WW or not?
I cancelled my subscription to WW. Am doing this my own way. Which - for the record - WILL include journalling - but I figure - if I'm on the fence, than why not save the money.
To quote Flashdance - What a feeling!
Hello!
Well - am feeling refreshed, renewed, and fabulous. I spent the weekend purging some stuff - some clothes, some junk. I have to say that when it came to getting rid of my super skinny clothes, I struggled. Was I willing to completely give up on me at size 4? So - I compromised, and got rid of some of the clothes, but not all. I have 2 large closets, one is for various sizes, so I figured - why not. But I just felt way lighter and better.
Yesterday I snuggled up with the book, "If I'm so smart, why can't I lose weight?" - by Brooke Castillo - http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Why-Cant-Lose-Weight/dp/1419618474. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I don't know what it my life made me pick this book up at this exact time, but all I can say is - you know all of those questions that I had last week? Why do I overeat? What question am I trying to answer? What am I trying to fullfill? Well - it's basically as if the universe heard me and said - here! Read this and shut up! I had a similar revelation when I read Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel - also amazing - but this really dug into some emotional aspects of overeating. I spent the day reading, thinking, meditating, journalling, and laughing at myself for said activities. The title of the book, I admit, reminds me of a scene in Sex and the City when Charlotte is browsing the self help section of a book store and sees all of these funny book titles - and encounters a crying lady reading something and saying, "that really helped me!". But - regardless - it made me think a LOT, and start shifting my thoughts on food, exercise, etc. I won't get into all of the details - because honestly I'm not capable of summing it up - just read it. I'd recommend Naturally Thin as well - I think the combination of the 2 books is fantastic, with Naturally Thin focusing on how to eat, and Brooke's book (I can't write the silly name again!) focusing on the emotional aspects of overeating, what we are facing and what we need to over come.
A lot is intuitive eating, common sense, etc. But reading it all at once was pretty mind blowing. I actually woke up this morning and felt really excited about my day, to begin with exercise and just - have a good day. Ironically last night I dreamt about a session with my old therapist (who I saw for years and love) - in our session, I was chatting about the fact that I was dating 2 guys, neither I really was super into but was having fun with both of them, and they were both really into me. Funny.
So - today. Where do I go. First, I need to work on journalling more - already started. Next, I need to figure out what to do about weight watchers/journalling on my own. I've been following ww online, and I do feel that I need to journal or do WW to keep myself honest, but I'm leaning toward cancelling my membership and just doing it on my own. Lastly, and this is the most difficult, I need to deal with the fact that my family's visiting in 2 weeks. Which is my fault. I invited them to spend my birthday with me. Birthdays alone suck. But I REALLY don't want to be obsessive over food, exercise, calories, etc. My mother can't go 1 hour without a conversation about exercise, spinning, dieting, etc. She just can't. I REALLY don't want to be around that. I need to break up with the obsessive-ness that she has aided in creating within me. So - I'll think about it.
For now - wowzers am I feeling good.
Well - am feeling refreshed, renewed, and fabulous. I spent the weekend purging some stuff - some clothes, some junk. I have to say that when it came to getting rid of my super skinny clothes, I struggled. Was I willing to completely give up on me at size 4? So - I compromised, and got rid of some of the clothes, but not all. I have 2 large closets, one is for various sizes, so I figured - why not. But I just felt way lighter and better.
Yesterday I snuggled up with the book, "If I'm so smart, why can't I lose weight?" - by Brooke Castillo - http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Why-Cant-Lose-Weight/dp/1419618474. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I don't know what it my life made me pick this book up at this exact time, but all I can say is - you know all of those questions that I had last week? Why do I overeat? What question am I trying to answer? What am I trying to fullfill? Well - it's basically as if the universe heard me and said - here! Read this and shut up! I had a similar revelation when I read Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel - also amazing - but this really dug into some emotional aspects of overeating. I spent the day reading, thinking, meditating, journalling, and laughing at myself for said activities. The title of the book, I admit, reminds me of a scene in Sex and the City when Charlotte is browsing the self help section of a book store and sees all of these funny book titles - and encounters a crying lady reading something and saying, "that really helped me!". But - regardless - it made me think a LOT, and start shifting my thoughts on food, exercise, etc. I won't get into all of the details - because honestly I'm not capable of summing it up - just read it. I'd recommend Naturally Thin as well - I think the combination of the 2 books is fantastic, with Naturally Thin focusing on how to eat, and Brooke's book (I can't write the silly name again!) focusing on the emotional aspects of overeating, what we are facing and what we need to over come.
A lot is intuitive eating, common sense, etc. But reading it all at once was pretty mind blowing. I actually woke up this morning and felt really excited about my day, to begin with exercise and just - have a good day. Ironically last night I dreamt about a session with my old therapist (who I saw for years and love) - in our session, I was chatting about the fact that I was dating 2 guys, neither I really was super into but was having fun with both of them, and they were both really into me. Funny.
So - today. Where do I go. First, I need to work on journalling more - already started. Next, I need to figure out what to do about weight watchers/journalling on my own. I've been following ww online, and I do feel that I need to journal or do WW to keep myself honest, but I'm leaning toward cancelling my membership and just doing it on my own. Lastly, and this is the most difficult, I need to deal with the fact that my family's visiting in 2 weeks. Which is my fault. I invited them to spend my birthday with me. Birthdays alone suck. But I REALLY don't want to be obsessive over food, exercise, calories, etc. My mother can't go 1 hour without a conversation about exercise, spinning, dieting, etc. She just can't. I REALLY don't want to be around that. I need to break up with the obsessive-ness that she has aided in creating within me. So - I'll think about it.
For now - wowzers am I feeling good.
Friday, August 12, 2011
5 Questions
Tina over at http://www.carrotsncake.com/ just posted this, so I figured I'd play - would love to hear from anyone out there as well!
What are you really good at? What are you really bad at? I'm really good at reading and writing, multitasking, organizing myself, communicating with people, showing empathy, playing with my cats, working, business sense, Hollywood gossip and trivia, playing with my niece and nephews, motivating people, being a good friend and listener and support, self motivation, and planning fun nights out.
I'm really bad at anything creative/artistic (including arts and crafts, being stylish, fashion - anything), anything science - related, anything handy (furniture, house work - anything), becoming thin, being patient about anything, relationships (since I"ve been single and never want to get married), running (am trying), yoga, being flexible, crossword puzzles even though I love them, being kind to myself, compromising with others, being managed.
Have you ever been in a car accident? What happened? Several fender benders - being hit in parking lots by other cars, things like that - these things happen in a city and small parking lots with a lot of people. I once side swiped someone, totally my fault and took responsibility - that was in Watertown, and it was a horrific intersection that I don't go to anymore.
Why did you attend your college? Umass Amherst - proudly a state school girl
How did your parents’ relationship influence you? Hm - interesting question for me. My parents are together and have been for 41 years, however they've certainly had their challenges and they've worked really hard on their marriage. They seperated when I was in high school, my father moved out of state and they were to be divorced, however they opted to work things out. Should they have? Maybe, maybe not. That said, they are happy now, have learned, grown, and are each other's best friends and completeness.
However, through seeing how challenging their marriage was at times, and how much work, pain, compromise, and challenge went into it - that may have influenced me to be weary of marriage and not want to give too much of myself in a relationship.
What were the three happiest moments of your life?Yikes! Let me think, I'll just rattle off the top 3 that come to mind, but obviously these have changed through the years:
1) quitting my job in the corporate world to start my own business - as Frankie says, "to do it my way"
2) getting my own apartment (moving out from roommates)
3) paying off credit card debt
What are you really good at? What are you really bad at? I'm really good at reading and writing, multitasking, organizing myself, communicating with people, showing empathy, playing with my cats, working, business sense, Hollywood gossip and trivia, playing with my niece and nephews, motivating people, being a good friend and listener and support, self motivation, and planning fun nights out.
I'm really bad at anything creative/artistic (including arts and crafts, being stylish, fashion - anything), anything science - related, anything handy (furniture, house work - anything), becoming thin, being patient about anything, relationships (since I"ve been single and never want to get married), running (am trying), yoga, being flexible, crossword puzzles even though I love them, being kind to myself, compromising with others, being managed.
Have you ever been in a car accident? What happened? Several fender benders - being hit in parking lots by other cars, things like that - these things happen in a city and small parking lots with a lot of people. I once side swiped someone, totally my fault and took responsibility - that was in Watertown, and it was a horrific intersection that I don't go to anymore.
Why did you attend your college? Umass Amherst - proudly a state school girl
How did your parents’ relationship influence you? Hm - interesting question for me. My parents are together and have been for 41 years, however they've certainly had their challenges and they've worked really hard on their marriage. They seperated when I was in high school, my father moved out of state and they were to be divorced, however they opted to work things out. Should they have? Maybe, maybe not. That said, they are happy now, have learned, grown, and are each other's best friends and completeness.
However, through seeing how challenging their marriage was at times, and how much work, pain, compromise, and challenge went into it - that may have influenced me to be weary of marriage and not want to give too much of myself in a relationship.
What were the three happiest moments of your life?Yikes! Let me think, I'll just rattle off the top 3 that come to mind, but obviously these have changed through the years:
1) quitting my job in the corporate world to start my own business - as Frankie says, "to do it my way"
2) getting my own apartment (moving out from roommates)
3) paying off credit card debt
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Determined to figure out the why
Okay - am determined to figure out the answer to my question. Deedee's comment below made a ton of sense (please read!) - and Elina's documented journey of life without a diet over at http://www.healthyandsane.com/ (AWESOME blog) is similar. Clearly, we are smart girls, and we can figure this out.
Like DeeDee, I was raised with food as somewhat of a taboo. I was taken to my first ww meeting at age 10, I proudly wore a t-shirt (bought my parents, who were hysterical laughing) that said, "I'm on a seafood diet; when I see food I eat it"; I was taught to celebrate with food, comfort with food, but at the same time - that food was somehow forbidden and bad. Very dysfunctional and obsessive. As a Jewish woman, I believe that this is somewhat cultural - however, many cultures can repeat that setiment.
Another factor of my growing up was growing up with my sister. To no fault of her own, she has an opposite body type - very skinny - so while I was taught to use food as celebration, comfort, but also that it's somewhat evil - she was urged to have malteds after every meal and finish her plate. VERY confusing to a child like myself, who - genuinely - loved food. She also excelled in every single way imaginable - was beautiful, brilliant, loved by everyone, athletic. Me? Not so much. In households with siblings there is a pressure to compete - and frankly, my parents did nothing to encourage our competition, they loved us as individuals and urged us to pursue what we were both talented in. Her? That was everything. Me? It was reading, writing, baking, and working (I was always a work horse). External or our home, however, was a different story. Teachers in our school commented to me how it must be difficult to grow up with such an advanced sister. Friends made comments to me, asking me how I handled how perfect she was. My boyfriends asked me they could fuck her. Very odd for little old 'thick' me.
So - here I am - at 34. I want to emphasize that my family is amazing - truly - I'm very close with my parents and my sister, and have grown to accept the mistakes they may have made in terms of food and dieting. It was purely out of love and health, and I know that. Times were different, they did what they thought was right. My sister was my biggest (skinniest?) cheerleader, then and now. I own my issues and they are mine. This is purely my background, and we all have them.
So - here's where I'm at. Today I weigh 211.4 lbs. I began this blog at 210. So - meh - it is what it is.
Yesterday, I ordered a bunch of self help books (don't judge!) from amazon (no funny looks!). I'm going to do some reading, thinking, journalling, exercising, and - purging. No, I'm not becoming bulimic (I tried that my senior year of high school). I'm going to clean out my closets, organize my life, and see where that gets me.
I am absolutley determined to figure out the reasons for my behavior, and while doing so, shed some of this weight. I'm going to go beyond the, "today I ate 1200 calories" and conquere the, "why do I want to shove an entire apple pie down my throat". I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday who has struggled with the same things. Her husband lost his job, she has been dealing with feelings of being a stay at home mother, and as a result - she has gained weight. We both wondered why we can't be one of those people who is repulsed by food during stress (we're not, sadly).
So many of us deal with these things. I'm going to try to figure this out. One thought and one pound and one week at a time.
Would love to hear some thoughts!
Like DeeDee, I was raised with food as somewhat of a taboo. I was taken to my first ww meeting at age 10, I proudly wore a t-shirt (bought my parents, who were hysterical laughing) that said, "I'm on a seafood diet; when I see food I eat it"; I was taught to celebrate with food, comfort with food, but at the same time - that food was somehow forbidden and bad. Very dysfunctional and obsessive. As a Jewish woman, I believe that this is somewhat cultural - however, many cultures can repeat that setiment.
Another factor of my growing up was growing up with my sister. To no fault of her own, she has an opposite body type - very skinny - so while I was taught to use food as celebration, comfort, but also that it's somewhat evil - she was urged to have malteds after every meal and finish her plate. VERY confusing to a child like myself, who - genuinely - loved food. She also excelled in every single way imaginable - was beautiful, brilliant, loved by everyone, athletic. Me? Not so much. In households with siblings there is a pressure to compete - and frankly, my parents did nothing to encourage our competition, they loved us as individuals and urged us to pursue what we were both talented in. Her? That was everything. Me? It was reading, writing, baking, and working (I was always a work horse). External or our home, however, was a different story. Teachers in our school commented to me how it must be difficult to grow up with such an advanced sister. Friends made comments to me, asking me how I handled how perfect she was. My boyfriends asked me they could fuck her. Very odd for little old 'thick' me.
So - here I am - at 34. I want to emphasize that my family is amazing - truly - I'm very close with my parents and my sister, and have grown to accept the mistakes they may have made in terms of food and dieting. It was purely out of love and health, and I know that. Times were different, they did what they thought was right. My sister was my biggest (skinniest?) cheerleader, then and now. I own my issues and they are mine. This is purely my background, and we all have them.
So - here's where I'm at. Today I weigh 211.4 lbs. I began this blog at 210. So - meh - it is what it is.
Yesterday, I ordered a bunch of self help books (don't judge!) from amazon (no funny looks!). I'm going to do some reading, thinking, journalling, exercising, and - purging. No, I'm not becoming bulimic (I tried that my senior year of high school). I'm going to clean out my closets, organize my life, and see where that gets me.
I am absolutley determined to figure out the reasons for my behavior, and while doing so, shed some of this weight. I'm going to go beyond the, "today I ate 1200 calories" and conquere the, "why do I want to shove an entire apple pie down my throat". I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday who has struggled with the same things. Her husband lost his job, she has been dealing with feelings of being a stay at home mother, and as a result - she has gained weight. We both wondered why we can't be one of those people who is repulsed by food during stress (we're not, sadly).
So many of us deal with these things. I'm going to try to figure this out. One thought and one pound and one week at a time.
Would love to hear some thoughts!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
Here's a real question - something I've been wondering for a while. I truly wish I knew the answer, but after years of therapy, journalling, weight watchers, weight loss, weight gain, self aware-ness, I still don't. Ready?
WHY DO WE OVEREAT? WHY DO WE USE FOOD AS AN ANSWER TO QUESTIONS - WHEN IT NEVER IS?
Why do we self sabatoge with food? Doesn't it seem like such a simple question? People without body issues, from my observation, do not do this. They don't sit and splurge and stuff themselves silly, at least not the people that I know. My sister, who is TINY (easily the size of an Olsen twin) - eats what she wants. Plain, simple, that's all. If she wants a cookie, she'll have one. She is a Foodie, true and true, and her (equally tiny) husband and her eat out, enjoy food - the way it's meant to be enjoyed. But - what does she not do? Eat until she can't breath. I joke that in her kitchen, there are small, elf sized portions because she saves everything, so she will have 1/2 of 1/2 of a sandwich, than wrap it up, and bring it home. She neither celebrates with food, nor sabatoges herself with food. She does not eat when she's bored, depressed, stressed. She uses food for pleasure and sustainment. And that is all.
My mother and I are the opposite. My mother, who has lost significant weight in the past 5 years and actually is quite small now, and I will eat our brains out to celebrate that we're on vacation. We'll eat until our tits fall out of our bras when we are sad or depressed. Than we'll feel worse. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Why do some people have this gene, and others just don't? All of my friends, who struggle with their weight/body image, have this battle, and we are soldiers every single fucking day of our lives.
Why did I eat french fries today at lunch until I felt like I was going to keel over and shit myself? I knew when "my body sighed" (as we used to say in weight watchers). I'm aware. Is it because I'm stressed? Bored? Somewhat lonely?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a healthy way to live to simply eat fruit and vegetables. I firmly believe that food is pleasure, and should be enjoyed as so. So why do some people do that, and others seem to struggle with it?
I have equated, at time, good food to good sex. There is such pleasure in amazing food, as there is in amazing sex. Do I overeat right now because I'm not having sex (am single and too old to go fuck the bartender like I used to)? But I know lots of people who have lots of good sex, and they still overeat.
So - what is the need that we are trying to fulfill? What is the question that we are trying to answer? Why are we feeding our emotions, vs. simply enjoying food the way it should be enjoyed?
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
WHY DO WE OVEREAT? WHY DO WE USE FOOD AS AN ANSWER TO QUESTIONS - WHEN IT NEVER IS?
Why do we self sabatoge with food? Doesn't it seem like such a simple question? People without body issues, from my observation, do not do this. They don't sit and splurge and stuff themselves silly, at least not the people that I know. My sister, who is TINY (easily the size of an Olsen twin) - eats what she wants. Plain, simple, that's all. If she wants a cookie, she'll have one. She is a Foodie, true and true, and her (equally tiny) husband and her eat out, enjoy food - the way it's meant to be enjoyed. But - what does she not do? Eat until she can't breath. I joke that in her kitchen, there are small, elf sized portions because she saves everything, so she will have 1/2 of 1/2 of a sandwich, than wrap it up, and bring it home. She neither celebrates with food, nor sabatoges herself with food. She does not eat when she's bored, depressed, stressed. She uses food for pleasure and sustainment. And that is all.
My mother and I are the opposite. My mother, who has lost significant weight in the past 5 years and actually is quite small now, and I will eat our brains out to celebrate that we're on vacation. We'll eat until our tits fall out of our bras when we are sad or depressed. Than we'll feel worse. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Why do some people have this gene, and others just don't? All of my friends, who struggle with their weight/body image, have this battle, and we are soldiers every single fucking day of our lives.
Why did I eat french fries today at lunch until I felt like I was going to keel over and shit myself? I knew when "my body sighed" (as we used to say in weight watchers). I'm aware. Is it because I'm stressed? Bored? Somewhat lonely?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a healthy way to live to simply eat fruit and vegetables. I firmly believe that food is pleasure, and should be enjoyed as so. So why do some people do that, and others seem to struggle with it?
I have equated, at time, good food to good sex. There is such pleasure in amazing food, as there is in amazing sex. Do I overeat right now because I'm not having sex (am single and too old to go fuck the bartender like I used to)? But I know lots of people who have lots of good sex, and they still overeat.
So - what is the need that we are trying to fulfill? What is the question that we are trying to answer? Why are we feeding our emotions, vs. simply enjoying food the way it should be enjoyed?
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
Dear Falling Off The Wagon Me
You need a kick in the tits. Seriously - pick yourself up, get back to the gym, put the carbs down, get back to work, get your mind focused again. WTF is wrong with you. Enough. Here's your kick in the tits.
This am I finally got back to http://www.healthworks.com/ - and, naturally, felt a billion times better. I don't know WHY I fall off the wagon like I do. But I do.
I have a few expiring groupons for http://www.baptisteyoga.com/ - so am planning on using them and sweating my vagina out. Maybe I'll get some clarity?
I just fell off the wagon. Good news? Only for 1.5 weeks. Bad news? WAAAHHHH why??
I had started a weight loss plan that included calorie counting, weighing 1x/week, exercising 7x/week, journaling (meaning - write down 5 things I'm proud of and 5 things I'm thankful for). It worked. Plain and simple, worked.
I so wish I could be one of those people not obsessed with weight. But I am not. And I so wish my stupid slow metabolism would speed itself up, so I can enjoy the foods that I love. But - unless I take drugs (no), it won't.
I've said time and time again - at this point, it's for health reasons. I have not had a health scare but frankly, being obese is a risk factor and I want to get out of the danger zone.
Anyone with me?
This am I finally got back to http://www.healthworks.com/ - and, naturally, felt a billion times better. I don't know WHY I fall off the wagon like I do. But I do.
I have a few expiring groupons for http://www.baptisteyoga.com/ - so am planning on using them and sweating my vagina out. Maybe I'll get some clarity?
I just fell off the wagon. Good news? Only for 1.5 weeks. Bad news? WAAAHHHH why??
I had started a weight loss plan that included calorie counting, weighing 1x/week, exercising 7x/week, journaling (meaning - write down 5 things I'm proud of and 5 things I'm thankful for). It worked. Plain and simple, worked.
I so wish I could be one of those people not obsessed with weight. But I am not. And I so wish my stupid slow metabolism would speed itself up, so I can enjoy the foods that I love. But - unless I take drugs (no), it won't.
I've said time and time again - at this point, it's for health reasons. I have not had a health scare but frankly, being obese is a risk factor and I want to get out of the danger zone.
Anyone with me?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wahhhhhhhh
UGH - I DID fall off the wagon! Boo! Wah!!! I don't know what it is, when I'm thrown off course (my mom's visit - which was perfect fun) - it just does me in. No gym. No dieting. Eating whatever I want. Up 6 POUNDS! WAH!!!!!
Okay - pity party is over. I know what I need to do.
Okay - pity party is over. I know what I need to do.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Update..Feeling good
Wowzers - am I feeling great! I haven't eaten any dairy and no alcohol since getting sick - except for a sneaky soft serve ice cream cone, since I'm NEVER around soft serve (no stomach ache - hooray!) - and man do I feel amazing. I have a love/hate relationship with this fact - since - I love my cheese, but have always thought dairy may be a culprit to my weight loss, as well as acne (I've been told that I have a slight allergy to dairy by doctors and dermatologists). I've replaced ice cream with frozen fruit bars, have been snacking on fruit like a mad woman, eaten tons and tons of tomatoes (I know, sounds weird, I love summer tomatoes), and I just feel great.
That's the good news. The downside? I've been sitting home by myself this whole time since I don't want to have any alcohol. I was supposed to have dinner w/a pregnant friend on Friday, which I thought would work out well since I wouldn't drink but we cancelled. I've been also having some issues with a former friend (mainly that since I'm not married with kids she wants nothing to do with me). But - through it all, I have not emotionally ate or drank.
Randomly, my mom has decided to visit next week for a few days. She does this every summer, she'll decide she misses me and wants to visit. I booked some massage appointments to surprise her with, we'll have dinner w/a friend of mine on Mon. and maybe hit the beach on Tuesday.
There will be wine. There will be dinners out. There will be mom-stress. There will be food obsession. But I am DETERMINED to not let this throw me off. Luckily, along with her obsession with food, there is an obsession with the gym, so she wants to hit up Healthworks with me while she's here (she loves spinning). But normally, family throws me off. I had been doing SO SO SO well - except for me there's no balance, either I'm doing great but also sitting home watching movies and going to the gym (I did hit the gym yesterday hooray! On a Saturday!) - or I'm drinking wine by the bottle, dessert by the plateful, and 8 course meals.
So - there will be balance. I haven't had time to stress about my mom's visit since it was kind of sprung on me. I was going to do a little 2 week alcohol detox, which looks like it will only be 1 week (since, with my mom, there WILL be wine). But - I also won't drink too much with her here, so I'm okay with that. Left to my own devices, I tend to over-imbibe.
We shall see. Now I sort of wish I had kept my weigh in day for Monday! Ironically, this week. I weighed myself this morning and was down about 1/2 pound - so that's good.
Dertermined to keep it balanced....
That's the good news. The downside? I've been sitting home by myself this whole time since I don't want to have any alcohol. I was supposed to have dinner w/a pregnant friend on Friday, which I thought would work out well since I wouldn't drink but we cancelled. I've been also having some issues with a former friend (mainly that since I'm not married with kids she wants nothing to do with me). But - through it all, I have not emotionally ate or drank.
Randomly, my mom has decided to visit next week for a few days. She does this every summer, she'll decide she misses me and wants to visit. I booked some massage appointments to surprise her with, we'll have dinner w/a friend of mine on Mon. and maybe hit the beach on Tuesday.
There will be wine. There will be dinners out. There will be mom-stress. There will be food obsession. But I am DETERMINED to not let this throw me off. Luckily, along with her obsession with food, there is an obsession with the gym, so she wants to hit up Healthworks with me while she's here (she loves spinning). But normally, family throws me off. I had been doing SO SO SO well - except for me there's no balance, either I'm doing great but also sitting home watching movies and going to the gym (I did hit the gym yesterday hooray! On a Saturday!) - or I'm drinking wine by the bottle, dessert by the plateful, and 8 course meals.
So - there will be balance. I haven't had time to stress about my mom's visit since it was kind of sprung on me. I was going to do a little 2 week alcohol detox, which looks like it will only be 1 week (since, with my mom, there WILL be wine). But - I also won't drink too much with her here, so I'm okay with that. Left to my own devices, I tend to over-imbibe.
We shall see. Now I sort of wish I had kept my weigh in day for Monday! Ironically, this week. I weighed myself this morning and was down about 1/2 pound - so that's good.
Dertermined to keep it balanced....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hooray - almost 2 lbs gone!
But - was it the fact that I spent the majority of the week shitting like crazy? Maybe - hey - I'll take it! 205.2 - so - lots more to go, but I'll take the progress.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Bucket List
In spinning this morning the instructor asked us what's on our bucket list. He is always inspirational - it's a great way to start the day - so that was his question today. Thought I'd throw it out there. After thinking about it, here's what I have come up with:
Run a 1/2 marathon.
Earn $1M in one year.
Make a $10K donation somewhere.
Donate hair to locks of love.
Lose 80lbs.
Write a book.
Buy a beach house.
Buy a 5 room home - with a gym, library, guest room, office, my bedroom - w/a HUGE en suite bathroom.
Read the Howard Zinn book.
Read every book on my list.
Teach a class (in anything).
Invest in a company (not just stocks).
Win an award.
Take a pole dancing class.
Go cross country.
Here are things on my list that I have done:
Start a business.
Go to the World Series.
Get season Sox tickets.
Go paragluiding.
Go parasailing.
Take a hot yoga class.
Start a blog (hi!).
Live in a foreign country.
Backpack around Europe.
Any readers out there want to comment?
Run a 1/2 marathon.
Earn $1M in one year.
Make a $10K donation somewhere.
Donate hair to locks of love.
Lose 80lbs.
Write a book.
Buy a beach house.
Buy a 5 room home - with a gym, library, guest room, office, my bedroom - w/a HUGE en suite bathroom.
Read the Howard Zinn book.
Read every book on my list.
Teach a class (in anything).
Invest in a company (not just stocks).
Win an award.
Take a pole dancing class.
Go cross country.
Here are things on my list that I have done:
Start a business.
Go to the World Series.
Get season Sox tickets.
Go paragluiding.
Go parasailing.
Take a hot yoga class.
Start a blog (hi!).
Live in a foreign country.
Backpack around Europe.
Any readers out there want to comment?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Letter to me. From my stomach.
Dear you:
You got cocky last night, at book club, didn't you. I didn't ache once during the day, so you went ahead and had some cheese and crackers. You know that cheese is probably something to stay away from on a good day, but you went ahead and tested me. And - I was kind. So you had more. And I remained kind. You were pacing yourself, and I was happy that you skipped the wine (for once!). We were doing okay.
Did you really need to plop a bunch of brie on your salad? Did you really need to dominate the tomato mozz. - emphasize on the mozz? Was it completely necessary? Couldn't you have just remained - kind and thoughful of me?
So yes - when you opted for the blueberry cobbler - WITH whipped cream (seriously??) - I rebelled. Enough. Stop eating like you are a horse. You're going to have way more embarassing bathroom situations than you did last night if you don't. You are not a horse, nor a pig. You are a person. A person with a weakening belly. So stop. Or else you'll be shitting yourself on the side of the road somewhere.
Sincerely, your belly.
You got cocky last night, at book club, didn't you. I didn't ache once during the day, so you went ahead and had some cheese and crackers. You know that cheese is probably something to stay away from on a good day, but you went ahead and tested me. And - I was kind. So you had more. And I remained kind. You were pacing yourself, and I was happy that you skipped the wine (for once!). We were doing okay.
Did you really need to plop a bunch of brie on your salad? Did you really need to dominate the tomato mozz. - emphasize on the mozz? Was it completely necessary? Couldn't you have just remained - kind and thoughful of me?
So yes - when you opted for the blueberry cobbler - WITH whipped cream (seriously??) - I rebelled. Enough. Stop eating like you are a horse. You're going to have way more embarassing bathroom situations than you did last night if you don't. You are not a horse, nor a pig. You are a person. A person with a weakening belly. So stop. Or else you'll be shitting yourself on the side of the road somewhere.
Sincerely, your belly.
Monday, July 18, 2011
I binged...and my body rebelled.
OK truth time - I hit a bump in the road. I binged over the last few days - maybe, in all honesty, starting from Wednesday. I don't really know why - work was going really well and I think it started with, "I'm going to take myself out to celebrate!" Than I fell back into, "I'm going to eat whatever I want and start again on Sunday!". Bad, I know.
But - here's the good news (ironically) - I got REALLY sick. Like - REALLY sick. I'm fairly certain that the Chinese food I binged on may have given me some food poisoning, so I did what all sane people do - I kept eating the leftovers, thinking that wasn't the problem. I'm pretty sure it was, and I spent the last 4 days attached to the toilet.
SO - am not going to forget this. It was awful feeling so sick - I had planned on going to the beach and I couldn't. I couldn't work out. The good news is I probably didn't gain any weight, the better news is - lesson learned. I simply can't eat like that anymore, my body can't do it.
Now - is that what it is? Or was it food poisoning? Who knows. I'm choosing to believe that my body can't do it anymore. I've had food poisoning before, and this felt slightly different (no nausea). So - am going with - I can't do it.
I made myself get up and work out this morning, despite my belly still feeling sad. It was the best thing I could have done. I ran my 2 miles, and felt SO much better.
More news - am not doing the 1/2 marathon. I missed the registration and honestly I think it may have been a bit ambitious for where I'm at with running right now. SO - am doing a 10K instead - October 10.
But - here's the good news (ironically) - I got REALLY sick. Like - REALLY sick. I'm fairly certain that the Chinese food I binged on may have given me some food poisoning, so I did what all sane people do - I kept eating the leftovers, thinking that wasn't the problem. I'm pretty sure it was, and I spent the last 4 days attached to the toilet.
SO - am not going to forget this. It was awful feeling so sick - I had planned on going to the beach and I couldn't. I couldn't work out. The good news is I probably didn't gain any weight, the better news is - lesson learned. I simply can't eat like that anymore, my body can't do it.
Now - is that what it is? Or was it food poisoning? Who knows. I'm choosing to believe that my body can't do it anymore. I've had food poisoning before, and this felt slightly different (no nausea). So - am going with - I can't do it.
I made myself get up and work out this morning, despite my belly still feeling sad. It was the best thing I could have done. I ran my 2 miles, and felt SO much better.
More news - am not doing the 1/2 marathon. I missed the registration and honestly I think it may have been a bit ambitious for where I'm at with running right now. SO - am doing a 10K instead - October 10.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday
OK so I offiically changed my weigh in day to Thursday - and, despite saying I wouldn't, and despite treating myself to an a-mazing meal last night at Out of the Blue (holy effing yum), I decided to jump on the scale, happily discovering a loss of about .5lb. Hey, I'll take it!
I'm already excited about my lunch leftovers. Is that bad?
I'm already excited about my lunch leftovers. Is that bad?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Update
I haven't blogged...because I haven't lost. I have been in a bit of a rut - and I'm glad to document this now, because perhaps this is my theme - 2 weeks on, than yikes. I had a slight gain last week, which I owned. Than...I can't say I ate well.
Here's the thing - originally, my thought was, "I can't say I was good..." - but I decided to abolish that thinking. Being good/bad has nothing to do with eating. In fact, it was a fantastic week work-wise, I worked really hard, closed some great deals, and, in life, was perfectly fine! I also worked out, not every day, but probably 4 days - not so bad. I ran, skipped my long run purposely because my knees were hurting and I don't want to get hurt, but ran the other days, did step, spinning, and ate well...for 3 days.
Than - I went for drinks. And I woke up hungover. And I had not the healthiest breakfast. And than I celebrated my big deals with some champagne. That lead to some wine. Which lead to another hangover. Which lead to binge eating.
And THAT lead to - a 2.5 lb gain.
And - here's the thing - all in all - I'm still on track with my 1lb/week goal. But it bummed me out.
So I decided to switch my weigh in day to Thursday. I figure - if realistically, I'll eat healthier during the week than I would on the weekend, why am I setting myself up to fail by weighing in on a Monday?
It's a small change. And I'm owning the poor behavior. But - it's a change, none the less.
So - Monday - I was 207.2. As of next week, I'll weigh on Thursday. Am not weighing this week because I actually don't want to weigh more than 1x/week, seems to obsessive.
We shall see...
Here's the thing - originally, my thought was, "I can't say I was good..." - but I decided to abolish that thinking. Being good/bad has nothing to do with eating. In fact, it was a fantastic week work-wise, I worked really hard, closed some great deals, and, in life, was perfectly fine! I also worked out, not every day, but probably 4 days - not so bad. I ran, skipped my long run purposely because my knees were hurting and I don't want to get hurt, but ran the other days, did step, spinning, and ate well...for 3 days.
Than - I went for drinks. And I woke up hungover. And I had not the healthiest breakfast. And than I celebrated my big deals with some champagne. That lead to some wine. Which lead to another hangover. Which lead to binge eating.
And THAT lead to - a 2.5 lb gain.
And - here's the thing - all in all - I'm still on track with my 1lb/week goal. But it bummed me out.
So I decided to switch my weigh in day to Thursday. I figure - if realistically, I'll eat healthier during the week than I would on the weekend, why am I setting myself up to fail by weighing in on a Monday?
It's a small change. And I'm owning the poor behavior. But - it's a change, none the less.
So - Monday - I was 207.2. As of next week, I'll weigh on Thursday. Am not weighing this week because I actually don't want to weigh more than 1x/week, seems to obsessive.
We shall see...
Funny memory
On http://www.gawker.com/ - they were searching for funny waiting tables stories. I obliged, and happily remembered my days waitressing at a bar during college:
All I can say is stay the fuck away from anything involving Kids Nights when waiting tables.
I worked at a local bar/restaurant while in school, and it was a decently fun situation - lots of fucking different waiters, lots of underage boozing, lots of drunk college kids tipping like crazy, lots of drunken nights cocktail waitressing. Mostly intelligent drinkers who'd tip well.
But...Wednesdays...Kids night. And all new wait staff had to work it. The. Worst. Any family with children under the age of 10 felt the need to crowd in so their little rug rats can eat for free. NO ONE drank booze, parents would come in with 7 kids (taking their friends' kids out I'd assume), have water and split a fucking appetizer, you had to not only serve all of the kids their free food, but there was also a phenomenon where parents assumed they had the night off. Therefore, you'd also have to look out for crawling toddlers while you were carrying all of their meals (and yes, they'd get into the kitchen). Not to mention this deal included dessert, which the wait staff had to make. Plus, we had to serve the kids' drinks (as opposed to ordering through the bar). And in our spare time, bring coloring books, balloons, and crayons on demand. And every Wednesday it was packed. With all of these awful breeder families - I don't even know where they all crawled out of, in my nice little college town - it was the only time you'd see them.
Suffice to say, we'd put, on the check, the amount that the bill should have been, and clearly subtract what was free (kids meals). And, suffice to say, NO ONE bothered to tip on the total, irrelevant of what they'd actually pay. So - we'd have a million checks that were - maybe $15 - when actually there'd be about $50 worth of food. So - people would leave a generous $2.
Basically, you'd work your tits off for, maybe, what turned out to be $3.50/hour. Plus you'd automatically have to tip out the bar. The only shiny part would be cocktail-ing afterwards and ordering yourself tons of shots, than banging the other waiter at the end of the night.
I imagine the Groupon thing has created similar situations for morons who don't realize you should tip ON WHAT THE BILL SHOULD BE. But this was groupon, for every table, plus zillions of small kids flying around, with balloons and crayons.
It's been 15 years and I still have nightmares about Kids night.
All I can say is stay the fuck away from anything involving Kids Nights when waiting tables.
I worked at a local bar/restaurant while in school, and it was a decently fun situation - lots of fucking different waiters, lots of underage boozing, lots of drunk college kids tipping like crazy, lots of drunken nights cocktail waitressing. Mostly intelligent drinkers who'd tip well.
But...Wednesdays...Kids night. And all new wait staff had to work it. The. Worst. Any family with children under the age of 10 felt the need to crowd in so their little rug rats can eat for free. NO ONE drank booze, parents would come in with 7 kids (taking their friends' kids out I'd assume), have water and split a fucking appetizer, you had to not only serve all of the kids their free food, but there was also a phenomenon where parents assumed they had the night off. Therefore, you'd also have to look out for crawling toddlers while you were carrying all of their meals (and yes, they'd get into the kitchen). Not to mention this deal included dessert, which the wait staff had to make. Plus, we had to serve the kids' drinks (as opposed to ordering through the bar). And in our spare time, bring coloring books, balloons, and crayons on demand. And every Wednesday it was packed. With all of these awful breeder families - I don't even know where they all crawled out of, in my nice little college town - it was the only time you'd see them.
Suffice to say, we'd put, on the check, the amount that the bill should have been, and clearly subtract what was free (kids meals). And, suffice to say, NO ONE bothered to tip on the total, irrelevant of what they'd actually pay. So - we'd have a million checks that were - maybe $15 - when actually there'd be about $50 worth of food. So - people would leave a generous $2.
Basically, you'd work your tits off for, maybe, what turned out to be $3.50/hour. Plus you'd automatically have to tip out the bar. The only shiny part would be cocktail-ing afterwards and ordering yourself tons of shots, than banging the other waiter at the end of the night.
I imagine the Groupon thing has created similar situations for morons who don't realize you should tip ON WHAT THE BILL SHOULD BE. But this was groupon, for every table, plus zillions of small kids flying around, with balloons and crayons.
It's been 15 years and I still have nightmares about Kids night.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Binge confession
So - yesterday, after I blogged, I did something I can honestly say I haven't done in a while. I binged. Meh. I was feeling lonely and sad - it being 4th of July, not having anything to do (unless I wanted to travel), the gym was closed, it was too hot to go walking, and I have no car to head to the beach. Wah. So - I ate. Bowl after bowl of cheerios. Sounds weird, right? There was some ice cream involved. Lots of fruit. Some cool whip. Okay a lot. But the fact is - it's not about what I ate, it's the behavior. I knew I wasn't hungry. I knew I was feeding something other than hunger. I was feeding loneliness and sadness. I suppose the good thing was my awareness of it. The bad thing was that I did it! One feeling I did have, truly, was that I wished the gym was open. Had the gym been open, I would have hit it up hard for a great workout. I did try to do some exercise at home to replace my feelings, I buried myself in a fabulous book, I watched episodes of Teen Mom to feel better about myself (don't judge!) - but - alas - the bowls of Cheerios won.
So - it's a new day, I recognize it, I am owning it. I counted all of the points, I was accurate and honest, and it could have been french fries and not Cheerios. So - here are the positive points of yesterday, that I will recognize so I can move on:
The food I binged on wasn't that bad.
I honestly wished I could have worked out.
I accounted for all of the points.
I recognize the behavior.
This is the first time I have done that in a while.
At one point, I chewed gum to stop.
I did not drink any wine, though I wanted to.
I did not eat dinner out, though I wanted to.
Here's what I should have done:
Journaled about my feelings (I thought of that......but cheerios was more appealing)
Stepped away from the kitchen - taken my book upstairs to read.
Eaten carrots - crunchy, yet healthy.
Gone out - called a friend.
Drank tea.
Eaten cucumbers.
So - it's over - I own it, and I'm admitting it to the blog world, for whatever that's worth. Today is a new day!
So - it's a new day, I recognize it, I am owning it. I counted all of the points, I was accurate and honest, and it could have been french fries and not Cheerios. So - here are the positive points of yesterday, that I will recognize so I can move on:
The food I binged on wasn't that bad.
I honestly wished I could have worked out.
I accounted for all of the points.
I recognize the behavior.
This is the first time I have done that in a while.
At one point, I chewed gum to stop.
I did not drink any wine, though I wanted to.
I did not eat dinner out, though I wanted to.
Here's what I should have done:
Journaled about my feelings (I thought of that......but cheerios was more appealing)
Stepped away from the kitchen - taken my book upstairs to read.
Eaten carrots - crunchy, yet healthy.
Gone out - called a friend.
Drank tea.
Eaten cucumbers.
So - it's over - I own it, and I'm admitting it to the blog world, for whatever that's worth. Today is a new day!
Monday, July 4, 2011
4th of July - aka week 2
Happy 4th!
OK - so last week I was doing great. Until I went out for drinks. And ate pizza when I got home. Yikes. But - here's the good news - I had a few meals out (including dinner at my favoriate Italian restaurant that must include tiramusu), only had 1 day/night of drinks, and, overall, was okay with how I did.
The better news? My exercising! Holy work out - ness! I stuck to my training and sweated my tits off during 6 MILES on the treadmill yesterday! On a holiday weekend no less! I feel great, stronger, and even a bit slimmer. And, I moved my ancient 'leg magic' machine in front of the TV, officially, which has been my purpose of that thing for years. I worked out every day except Saturday - which was a designated rest (hangover) day. Today I'll 'rest' but only because the gym is closed - wah! I actually feel like working out. Crazy.
I feel great, in a lot of ways. And, it's a holiday weekend, and I'm not drunk. Nor hungover. Plus, I feel that I balanced this week, too. I enjoyed ice cream, drinks (but only 1 day), and dessert, as well as a few meals out, and I didn't completely fall off track.
So - how did I do? Well - up .8. But - in fairness, last week I was down almost 6. So - am okay with that.
On to week 3!
OK - so last week I was doing great. Until I went out for drinks. And ate pizza when I got home. Yikes. But - here's the good news - I had a few meals out (including dinner at my favoriate Italian restaurant that must include tiramusu), only had 1 day/night of drinks, and, overall, was okay with how I did.
The better news? My exercising! Holy work out - ness! I stuck to my training and sweated my tits off during 6 MILES on the treadmill yesterday! On a holiday weekend no less! I feel great, stronger, and even a bit slimmer. And, I moved my ancient 'leg magic' machine in front of the TV, officially, which has been my purpose of that thing for years. I worked out every day except Saturday - which was a designated rest (hangover) day. Today I'll 'rest' but only because the gym is closed - wah! I actually feel like working out. Crazy.
I feel great, in a lot of ways. And, it's a holiday weekend, and I'm not drunk. Nor hungover. Plus, I feel that I balanced this week, too. I enjoyed ice cream, drinks (but only 1 day), and dessert, as well as a few meals out, and I didn't completely fall off track.
So - how did I do? Well - up .8. But - in fairness, last week I was down almost 6. So - am okay with that.
On to week 3!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Strange behavior
OK - this is very weird. I just came back to the office after a million meetings. It's hot and sticky and humid. And I wanted a snack, something sweet. Guess what I was straight up craving. Not ice cream. Not frozen yogurt (had that yesterday!). Fresh fruit! Strawberries, mixed around in some cool, creamy vanilla fat free pudding. Yum yum yum.
A reminder
Tina, over at http://www.carrotsncake.com/ - is one of my favorite bloggers - actually one of the first bloggers I ever followed. She's struggling with some belly issues right now, and can use all of the support she can get.
Her blog today reminded me of breaking my foot a few years ago. For a miserable 6 weeks, I was literally unable to do what I wanted to do. From hiking, to walking, to going to the bathroom and showering normally, everything was a struggle. From then on, I vowed to never take my health for granted. If I can walk, it's a good day.
This morning I ran for 26 minutes straight, a little more than 2 miles. Yesterday morning I walked before work for about 7 miles. Both days, afterwards, I thanked the universe (I'm not religious) - for the ability to walk.
I am so excited to lose weight and even be able to do more than I can now. I'm so thankful for my health and abilities.
And - something that I noticed today - cleared up skin! My acne has been a bit out of control lately, happens every year when the weather turns humid here in Boston, and I noticed that after a week of exercising (that good detox sweat), eating lots of fruit and veggies, and drinking tons of water - there's a noticeable difference. Hooray!
Must say - am feeling great, lucky, happy, and motivated.
Her blog today reminded me of breaking my foot a few years ago. For a miserable 6 weeks, I was literally unable to do what I wanted to do. From hiking, to walking, to going to the bathroom and showering normally, everything was a struggle. From then on, I vowed to never take my health for granted. If I can walk, it's a good day.
This morning I ran for 26 minutes straight, a little more than 2 miles. Yesterday morning I walked before work for about 7 miles. Both days, afterwards, I thanked the universe (I'm not religious) - for the ability to walk.
I am so excited to lose weight and even be able to do more than I can now. I'm so thankful for my health and abilities.
And - something that I noticed today - cleared up skin! My acne has been a bit out of control lately, happens every year when the weather turns humid here in Boston, and I noticed that after a week of exercising (that good detox sweat), eating lots of fruit and veggies, and drinking tons of water - there's a noticeable difference. Hooray!
Must say - am feeling great, lucky, happy, and motivated.
Monday, June 27, 2011
1 week!
Hooray! First week over and done with. I feel good about the way that I behaved. I went out to eat a few times, and decided that, in order for me to be succesful, I need one meal 'off' - meaning, no counting points, no worrying about it. Just one meal, but I need that, guilt free. I enjoyed that at a local restaurant, out with a client. We drank wine, ate appetizers, and I felt good about it. Then, I returned home and decided to have a few more glasses of wine. As a result, I felt crappy the next day and didn't work out. Bad, bad weight watcher. THAT behavior is a catalyst. It's unhealthy, and makes me feel depressed and gross. But overall, I stuck with the plan, ate well, worked out, and was okay with my progress.
Last night I thought (should have blogged - sorry!) about how the week went. I took note of my feelings, how I physically felt, compared to last week. Here's what I noticed:
Didn't feel bloated
Had no cravings for greasy food (I did, however, want a little ice cream, which I had)
Felt happier
Felt more motivated for the week ahead
Felt proud - regardless of what the scale said, I was okay with it.
Other noteworthy events - I:
Did my first 'long' 1/2 marathon training - a 5 mile treadmill work out - I ran, than ran/walked, than walked. I was happy with all of it and felt great afterwards.
I saw my family - always stressful - but armed myself with a giant bottle of water, and carrot sticks to munch on. I completely, 100% succeeded on staying on track.
I only drank that one night, no other alcohol.
I DID allow myself treats - a little bit of ice cream.
I ate more fruits and veggies, less carbs, and made a point to stop at a farmers market to pick up fresh and local produce.
I did NOT cook - and I want to.
I ate less sodium/salt.
I was super busy at work - and stayed on track despite.
Soooooo the result......DOWN 5.5 POUNDS! Hooray! Go me!
Last night I thought (should have blogged - sorry!) about how the week went. I took note of my feelings, how I physically felt, compared to last week. Here's what I noticed:
Didn't feel bloated
Had no cravings for greasy food (I did, however, want a little ice cream, which I had)
Felt happier
Felt more motivated for the week ahead
Felt proud - regardless of what the scale said, I was okay with it.
Other noteworthy events - I:
Did my first 'long' 1/2 marathon training - a 5 mile treadmill work out - I ran, than ran/walked, than walked. I was happy with all of it and felt great afterwards.
I saw my family - always stressful - but armed myself with a giant bottle of water, and carrot sticks to munch on. I completely, 100% succeeded on staying on track.
I only drank that one night, no other alcohol.
I DID allow myself treats - a little bit of ice cream.
I ate more fruits and veggies, less carbs, and made a point to stop at a farmers market to pick up fresh and local produce.
I did NOT cook - and I want to.
I ate less sodium/salt.
I was super busy at work - and stayed on track despite.
Soooooo the result......DOWN 5.5 POUNDS! Hooray! Go me!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
It's Wednesday!
2 days into my new lifestyle (as opposed to diet), am feeling great. I 'ran' yesterday - I put that in quotes because I'm not sure if the huffing and puffing me can count as a real run, but I did it, regardless of how ugly it may have been. And I had no Ipod! I'm in between Ipods right now, so I figured yesterday's run was the worst of it. I also took a step class - I used to LOVE step, in college I was a stepping queen. I still really, really like it - it's somewhat out of fashion, but I think it's a great workout and can be a lot of fun. The problem? 210 pound me was a ton of bricks. I have NEVER felt so heavy. I know that I have been heavy, but I feel like my body is tough to move and navigate right now. You know what? It's more motivation. I won't be this heavy for much longer, but how gross I feel, and uncoordinated - it's more motivation. This morning was spinning - and my fat was getting in the way, but that's okay. It's temporary.
I have never considered myself fat. I know that word has an ugly definition, and if you find it offensive, I genuinely apologize. But I really didn't. Heavy? Sure. Big? OK. Having put on weight? Yup. But fat? No. Now I do. And it needs to end. For health reasons. Both mental and physical. I can't look in the mirror. I hate what I see. I hate how much huffing and puffing I do. I hate that I can't run a mile. I hate that, in every aspect of my life, I get nervous about people talking about how fat I am. I hate that my skin is broken out. I hate that I have felt my heart racing. I hate how overall heavy I feel.
My instructor this morning asked what are you riding for? What 3 things are you doing this for? Here are mine - health, success, survival. In that order.
Finally, someone posted this and I enjoyed it:
"You're right. It's easier to eat pizza than to run on the treadmill. It's easi...er to turn to ice cream rather then people for supporters.It's easier to say 'fuck it, I give up' than to say 'fuck this, I can do it". So you know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you day after day you can do this.If you don't believe you can, then you can't. that's the honest truth. You need to do this for you. And if you don't want it enough, then you sure as hell won't achieve it. So take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be WORTH IT."
I have been taking the easy way for far too long. I have been living a life of no balance, and all indulgence. Indulging is okay - but I'm 210.4 lbs. This. Needs. To. End.
I have never considered myself fat. I know that word has an ugly definition, and if you find it offensive, I genuinely apologize. But I really didn't. Heavy? Sure. Big? OK. Having put on weight? Yup. But fat? No. Now I do. And it needs to end. For health reasons. Both mental and physical. I can't look in the mirror. I hate what I see. I hate how much huffing and puffing I do. I hate that I can't run a mile. I hate that, in every aspect of my life, I get nervous about people talking about how fat I am. I hate that my skin is broken out. I hate that I have felt my heart racing. I hate how overall heavy I feel.
My instructor this morning asked what are you riding for? What 3 things are you doing this for? Here are mine - health, success, survival. In that order.
Finally, someone posted this and I enjoyed it:
"You're right. It's easier to eat pizza than to run on the treadmill. It's easi...er to turn to ice cream rather then people for supporters.It's easier to say 'fuck it, I give up' than to say 'fuck this, I can do it". So you know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you day after day you can do this.If you don't believe you can, then you can't. that's the honest truth. You need to do this for you. And if you don't want it enough, then you sure as hell won't achieve it. So take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be WORTH IT."
I have been taking the easy way for far too long. I have been living a life of no balance, and all indulgence. Indulging is okay - but I'm 210.4 lbs. This. Needs. To. End.
Monday, June 20, 2011
210.4
Yup - 210.4. That is the heaviest I have ever been. When I started WW, 10 years ago, I was 170. I got down to 127 (which was too skinny, actually). Now my goal is in the 135-140 range. So - there's my 80 lbs. The good news? This is what I thought it would be. The better news? I got into a fight with my Spanx this morning. I had so much sweat dripping down my face while putting my make up on (and no, it wasn't that hot) that I looked like a melting clown. I'm ready - am done, ready, and excited. Am not sad, discouraged, angry. Rather, am hopeful, motivated and - just- done.
So - here I am. Breakfast this morning was in between a zillion meetings (I was out of the house by 6:30am, meeting people at my local coffee shop - go me!) - a 1/2 bagel with an egg white.
Anyways - am sort of curiuos if anyone is reading this - so - if you are - hi! And let me know!
So - here I am. Breakfast this morning was in between a zillion meetings (I was out of the house by 6:30am, meeting people at my local coffee shop - go me!) - a 1/2 bagel with an egg white.
Anyways - am sort of curiuos if anyone is reading this - so - if you are - hi! And let me know!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
End of life as I know it
Ok folks - this is it. I just ordered dinner from Not Your Average Joes - mustard chicken, and am having some good chardonnay. Now - the old me would have been a bingeing maniac, but I'm going into this with a different attitude. I will be realistic. I will indulge and I will live and enjoy. But, I will lose this as well. So this will be the last dinner that I just don't really think about (for the record I did not order dessert, but that's because I ate Kit Kats earlier) - and after this, until these 80 lbs are gone, things will be different.
This is for health and not pant size.
This is for confidence and success.
This is for my future.
And tomorrow, I'll reveal online (and anonymously), my weight - something that I have never done before. Wish me luck! Am excited!
This is for health and not pant size.
This is for confidence and success.
This is for my future.
And tomorrow, I'll reveal online (and anonymously), my weight - something that I have never done before. Wish me luck! Am excited!
Oohhh exciting - my first comments!
Ohh how fun to have comments! Especially from a personal hero of mine, Elina from Healthy and Sane. I have followed her blog for a while, and have loved hearing her views on intuitive eating vs. dieting. I should probably clear up a few things before going any further, in regards to my personal history with weight and dieting.
I have, for as long as I can remember, struggled with weight. I can remember feeling horrendously fat in high school, and I look back on a size 4 me and am astonished. It was not reality, it was false perception. It's fair to say that I had a slight eating disorder by the time I was a senior in high school, however, nothing drastic. I was taken to my first Weight Watchers meeting at the age of 10, and have always struggled with the fact that - I love food, yet hate the weight. I have had an obsessive dieting/bingeing history, and all of the guilt that goes along with it.
When I lost weight 10 years ago, I strived to change everything. I went to therapy, dove into the real issues behind weight gain, self esteem, feelings of self worthless-ness, and I continued my therapy for about 8 years. I'm aware of the reasons of my weight gain - I'm not justifying it, but I'm aware of why it has happened, what my triggers were, and what lead me to the place I"m at now. Without boring you with the details, let's just say I'm the definition of a stress eater - and the last 6 years have been the epitome of stress. There have been failed relationships (including 1 moving out boyfriend), job changes, severe financial changes, starting a company, family changes, friendship changes. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just acknowledging, to myself, what has happened.
I love the intuitive eating factor, and I have no intention of giving up food and wine. They are 2 of my favorite things! I adore going out to eat, drinking good wine and going out for drinks with friends is very important to me, and I am not saying, even a little, that these things will not take place. I'm neither depressed nor lonely, nor feeling those self worthless feelings that haunted me 10 years ago. Rather, I'm in a very good place. I love my life, I'm proud of my company, I have the greatest friends and family in the world. I will say that when I lost weight the first time, I was a bit obsessive, there was not a ton of balance. I will also say that, though I am extremelly close with my family, my entire family is a bit obsessive with weight, nutrition, exercise, etc. This is not necessarily unhealthy, but I can attribute why I grew up with the somewhat dysfunctional relationship I have with food to the fact that, to this day, I can't sit down for a meal with my family without some discussion of calories, exercise, etc.
The reality is this - I need to lose weight. I am obese, there aare risk factors, and I like my life too much to fall victim to my own circumstance. That said, I'm giving myself a realistic goal for a reason - I am not looking to lose 5 lbs/week by sticking to a strict 1200 calorie/day plan, and giving up everything that I love. I plan on following weight watchers, however, at my pace. That said - I think back to something I heard the author of Eat, Pray, Love say, "There is a difference between eating amazing pasta and pizza in Italy, and standing over the kitchen sink shoving potato chips in your mouth." It is the latter that I need to work on.
At first, I wasn't sure if this would be just for me, or something I'd actually try to get readers for. I'm told that I'm funny and a good writer, so I think I'll try to share, however, I'll remain anonymous, as I plan on sharing my weight and personal feelings.
So - a bit more about me:
I live in the Boston area.
I am happily single and unsure if I ever want to marry and have kids.
I started a consulting business last year and work from home, but frequently take people out.
I am an animal lover - especially cats and frogs.
I go to Healthworks - and I LOVE my gym.
I'm impatient. I wish I wasn't, but I am, and it's my biggest hurdle professionally.
I tend to work quickly, not be detail oriented, and as such, there may be typos on here. Am sorry!
I love to go walking and hiking.
I will always support a small business over a chain, so you will rarely see me posting about eating at chain - anything. This goes for coffee shops, fast food, casual dining, book stores, grocery stores - anything.
I always try to eat local and, for the most part, organic. I frequent farmers markets and would prefer to support a local farm over anything else.
I'm funny with meat - I didn't eat red meat for about 15 years, I did again in my 20's, and this year stopped. I'm not saying I'll never eat red meat again, but I need to know that it's grass fed and local. I don't like pork products, and I'm funny with chicken - I'll eat it, but it has to be cooked perfectly, all white meat, and I'd prefer local and free range. I will, however, eat hot dogs at Fenway. This is my one exception.
I hate cilantro with a passion - ditto green peppers, cooked carrots, olives, and melon (but not watermelon).
I love go out for food and drinks.
I am a die hard Red Sox fan.
I HATE people who are mean, disrepectful to other living beings including animals, and people who don't respect the environment.
I am a far left liberal - I only put that out there because if politics ever comes up here, I want to be honest right away where I stand. I respect everyone's views but will disagree with you if you are conservative on social issues.
I try to commit random acts of kindness on a daily basis - including anonymously buying lunch for people, paying people's tolls, giving 50-100% tips, making donations - I enjoy it, and I believe that if you put good energy out there, it comes back to you.
I volunteer often - to remain anonymous, I'm not going to disclose where, but I've been involved with one particular organization for about 5 years, and I am active in a couple of political organizations as well.
I love to read - fiction historical fiction, non-fiction, biographies, mysteries - anything but science fiction and twilight, really! I have way too many favorites to share, but am very happy to give suggestions if asked.
I have many guilty TV pleasures - reality TV, stupid TV, lifetime movies included.
I'm REALLY hoping to fulfill my goal of running a half marathon in October. If I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I'm going to try.
I grew up Jewish and I'm cultural but not religious.
My favorite food related blogs are:
http://carrotsncake.com/
http://www.healthyandsane.com/about/ (and I'm REALLY honored the Elina took the time to comment here, she's a hero of mine in the blog world)
http://www.crunchesforcupcakes.com/
So - thank you so much for your comments, and I hope that you enjoy my perspective on things. It will be honest, that much I can promise. Am not sure what else I can promise, but honesty will be here.
I have, for as long as I can remember, struggled with weight. I can remember feeling horrendously fat in high school, and I look back on a size 4 me and am astonished. It was not reality, it was false perception. It's fair to say that I had a slight eating disorder by the time I was a senior in high school, however, nothing drastic. I was taken to my first Weight Watchers meeting at the age of 10, and have always struggled with the fact that - I love food, yet hate the weight. I have had an obsessive dieting/bingeing history, and all of the guilt that goes along with it.
When I lost weight 10 years ago, I strived to change everything. I went to therapy, dove into the real issues behind weight gain, self esteem, feelings of self worthless-ness, and I continued my therapy for about 8 years. I'm aware of the reasons of my weight gain - I'm not justifying it, but I'm aware of why it has happened, what my triggers were, and what lead me to the place I"m at now. Without boring you with the details, let's just say I'm the definition of a stress eater - and the last 6 years have been the epitome of stress. There have been failed relationships (including 1 moving out boyfriend), job changes, severe financial changes, starting a company, family changes, friendship changes. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just acknowledging, to myself, what has happened.
I love the intuitive eating factor, and I have no intention of giving up food and wine. They are 2 of my favorite things! I adore going out to eat, drinking good wine and going out for drinks with friends is very important to me, and I am not saying, even a little, that these things will not take place. I'm neither depressed nor lonely, nor feeling those self worthless feelings that haunted me 10 years ago. Rather, I'm in a very good place. I love my life, I'm proud of my company, I have the greatest friends and family in the world. I will say that when I lost weight the first time, I was a bit obsessive, there was not a ton of balance. I will also say that, though I am extremelly close with my family, my entire family is a bit obsessive with weight, nutrition, exercise, etc. This is not necessarily unhealthy, but I can attribute why I grew up with the somewhat dysfunctional relationship I have with food to the fact that, to this day, I can't sit down for a meal with my family without some discussion of calories, exercise, etc.
The reality is this - I need to lose weight. I am obese, there aare risk factors, and I like my life too much to fall victim to my own circumstance. That said, I'm giving myself a realistic goal for a reason - I am not looking to lose 5 lbs/week by sticking to a strict 1200 calorie/day plan, and giving up everything that I love. I plan on following weight watchers, however, at my pace. That said - I think back to something I heard the author of Eat, Pray, Love say, "There is a difference between eating amazing pasta and pizza in Italy, and standing over the kitchen sink shoving potato chips in your mouth." It is the latter that I need to work on.
At first, I wasn't sure if this would be just for me, or something I'd actually try to get readers for. I'm told that I'm funny and a good writer, so I think I'll try to share, however, I'll remain anonymous, as I plan on sharing my weight and personal feelings.
So - a bit more about me:
I live in the Boston area.
I am happily single and unsure if I ever want to marry and have kids.
I started a consulting business last year and work from home, but frequently take people out.
I am an animal lover - especially cats and frogs.
I go to Healthworks - and I LOVE my gym.
I'm impatient. I wish I wasn't, but I am, and it's my biggest hurdle professionally.
I tend to work quickly, not be detail oriented, and as such, there may be typos on here. Am sorry!
I love to go walking and hiking.
I will always support a small business over a chain, so you will rarely see me posting about eating at chain - anything. This goes for coffee shops, fast food, casual dining, book stores, grocery stores - anything.
I always try to eat local and, for the most part, organic. I frequent farmers markets and would prefer to support a local farm over anything else.
I'm funny with meat - I didn't eat red meat for about 15 years, I did again in my 20's, and this year stopped. I'm not saying I'll never eat red meat again, but I need to know that it's grass fed and local. I don't like pork products, and I'm funny with chicken - I'll eat it, but it has to be cooked perfectly, all white meat, and I'd prefer local and free range. I will, however, eat hot dogs at Fenway. This is my one exception.
I hate cilantro with a passion - ditto green peppers, cooked carrots, olives, and melon (but not watermelon).
I love go out for food and drinks.
I am a die hard Red Sox fan.
I HATE people who are mean, disrepectful to other living beings including animals, and people who don't respect the environment.
I am a far left liberal - I only put that out there because if politics ever comes up here, I want to be honest right away where I stand. I respect everyone's views but will disagree with you if you are conservative on social issues.
I try to commit random acts of kindness on a daily basis - including anonymously buying lunch for people, paying people's tolls, giving 50-100% tips, making donations - I enjoy it, and I believe that if you put good energy out there, it comes back to you.
I volunteer often - to remain anonymous, I'm not going to disclose where, but I've been involved with one particular organization for about 5 years, and I am active in a couple of political organizations as well.
I love to read - fiction historical fiction, non-fiction, biographies, mysteries - anything but science fiction and twilight, really! I have way too many favorites to share, but am very happy to give suggestions if asked.
I have many guilty TV pleasures - reality TV, stupid TV, lifetime movies included.
I'm REALLY hoping to fulfill my goal of running a half marathon in October. If I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I'm going to try.
I grew up Jewish and I'm cultural but not religious.
My favorite food related blogs are:
http://carrotsncake.com/
http://www.healthyandsane.com/about/ (and I'm REALLY honored the Elina took the time to comment here, she's a hero of mine in the blog world)
http://www.crunchesforcupcakes.com/
So - thank you so much for your comments, and I hope that you enjoy my perspective on things. It will be honest, that much I can promise. Am not sure what else I can promise, but honesty will be here.
"Last Supper" Day
Well - I'm a Jew, but I do like the whole 'Last Supper' painting - so - today's my version. I can't tell you how many times I've done this - thought, "Today's it, after today, I'm never eating pizza again" - but - I want, really want, to mean it. I calculated that my goal of 80 pounds in 14 months is completely realistic - comes out to an average of 1.5lbs per week. I want to emphaisize that I know, if I put my mind to it, that I can do this. I did it before - exactly 10 years ago, at the age of 23, I joined weight watchers and succesfully lost 50 pounds in about 10 months. Granted, my metabolism was 10 years younger then it is now, but still - it happened. I kept it off for about 6 months, and then - well - I had the whole, "I'm cured" feeling. I don't really know how now, 10 years later, I have gained that plus 30 pounds back - but - I can't think backwards, only forwards.
The reality is this is the perfect time. I have no plans this summer, I'm single, I'm motivated, and my work (I started my own business last year) has started to make some money. I'm less stressed than I was, I have some time and flexibility, and I have a realistic aspiration. Also, I have reasons to do this now. Here are some of them, and NONE include anything about pants size.
Risk of diabetes
Risk of heart disease
Depression
Sleep issues
Anxiety
Skin issues (I have noticed more acne lately)
Risk of high high blood pressure
Risk of "bad numbers" at the doctor
Risk of poor circulation
You will note that diabetes is numero uno. It runs in my family - not my immediate family, but I am named after someone who was blind from diabetes, and passed away from it. My grandfather had it as well - that is both sides of my family.
As of now - I do not have high anything. Ironically, despite being technically obese, my numbers are all very good. This is why I must do this now, before that changes.
I had this same exact goal on New Years. I wanted to lose this weight before my 34th bday. And - it started out going very well. I lost about 10 pounds, was in a good exercise routine, and was motivated. Then - life happened. I had weddings, travel, family commitments. Travel throws me off, seeing my family throws me off, and I have basically ate like a pig for the last month.
So - it ends tomorrow. Today - I want to document that I feel the following things:
Bloated
Puffy
Gross
Broken Out
Lethargic
A bit light headed
My ankes feel fat (I know, that's weird, but it's true)
I can't wear anything but my version of moo moos
I just walked to get coffee and my thighs were rubbing together - and it's not even hot and humid
I can not wrap my hand around my wrist (weird test that I do for myself)
My bracelet feels tight
My fingers look fat
I"m sort of depressed, not that bad, but a little
I am anxious about seeing someone I went to high school with, in fear that he will know how fat I have gotten
SO - now I have documentation of all of these things that I feel. I can reference, it's out there for the world to see.
So anyways, today's it. I will not feel this way after today. But today, I will indulge. So, for breakfast, I had a croissant and a scone. Yes, both. Last night I got pizza and I have some left over. I won't have any left over after today.
Tomorrow, I will share my weight, and will go from there.
The reality is this is the perfect time. I have no plans this summer, I'm single, I'm motivated, and my work (I started my own business last year) has started to make some money. I'm less stressed than I was, I have some time and flexibility, and I have a realistic aspiration. Also, I have reasons to do this now. Here are some of them, and NONE include anything about pants size.
Risk of diabetes
Risk of heart disease
Depression
Sleep issues
Anxiety
Skin issues (I have noticed more acne lately)
Risk of high high blood pressure
Risk of "bad numbers" at the doctor
Risk of poor circulation
You will note that diabetes is numero uno. It runs in my family - not my immediate family, but I am named after someone who was blind from diabetes, and passed away from it. My grandfather had it as well - that is both sides of my family.
As of now - I do not have high anything. Ironically, despite being technically obese, my numbers are all very good. This is why I must do this now, before that changes.
I had this same exact goal on New Years. I wanted to lose this weight before my 34th bday. And - it started out going very well. I lost about 10 pounds, was in a good exercise routine, and was motivated. Then - life happened. I had weddings, travel, family commitments. Travel throws me off, seeing my family throws me off, and I have basically ate like a pig for the last month.
So - it ends tomorrow. Today - I want to document that I feel the following things:
Bloated
Puffy
Gross
Broken Out
Lethargic
A bit light headed
My ankes feel fat (I know, that's weird, but it's true)
I can't wear anything but my version of moo moos
I just walked to get coffee and my thighs were rubbing together - and it's not even hot and humid
I can not wrap my hand around my wrist (weird test that I do for myself)
My bracelet feels tight
My fingers look fat
I"m sort of depressed, not that bad, but a little
I am anxious about seeing someone I went to high school with, in fear that he will know how fat I have gotten
SO - now I have documentation of all of these things that I feel. I can reference, it's out there for the world to see.
So anyways, today's it. I will not feel this way after today. But today, I will indulge. So, for breakfast, I had a croissant and a scone. Yes, both. Last night I got pizza and I have some left over. I won't have any left over after today.
Tomorrow, I will share my weight, and will go from there.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
KEEPING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE AND MOTIVATED
I'M CREATING THIS BLOG, ANONYMOUSLY, TO DOCUMENT MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY. I'M A 33 YEAR OLD, AND I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH MY WEIGHT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. AT THIS POINT, IT'S BECOME MORE ABOUT HEALTH THEN JEANS, AND I NEED TO DO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. I MAY TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THIS, AND I MAY NOT. MY GOAL IS TO LOSE 80 LBS BY MY 35TH BIRTHDAY, 14 MONTHS FROM NOW. I ALSO WANT TO TRAIN FOR A 1/2 MARATHON, IN 15 WEEKS. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
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