Strange behavior

OK - this is very weird.  I just came back to the office after a million meetings.  It's hot and sticky and humid.  And I wanted a snack, something sweet.  Guess what I was straight up craving.  Not ice cream.  Not frozen yogurt (had that yesterday!).  Fresh fruit!  Strawberries, mixed around in some cool, creamy vanilla fat free pudding.  Yum yum yum. 

A reminder

Tina, over at http://www.carrotsncake.com/ - is one of my favorite bloggers - actually one of the first bloggers I ever followed.  She's struggling with some belly issues right now, and can use all of the support she can get.

Her blog today reminded me of breaking my foot a few years ago.  For a miserable 6 weeks, I was literally unable to do what I wanted to do.  From hiking, to walking, to going to the bathroom and showering normally, everything was a struggle. From then on, I vowed to never take my health for granted.  If I can walk, it's a good day.

This morning I ran for 26 minutes straight, a little more than 2 miles.  Yesterday morning I walked before work for about 7 miles.  Both days, afterwards, I thanked the universe (I'm not religious) - for the ability to walk. 

I am so excited to lose weight and even be able to do more than I can now.  I'm so thankful for my health and abilities. 

And - something that I noticed today - cleared up skin!  My acne has been a bit out of control lately, happens every year when the weather turns humid here in Boston, and I noticed that after a week of exercising (that good detox sweat), eating lots of fruit and veggies, and drinking tons of water - there's a noticeable difference.  Hooray!

Must say - am feeling great, lucky, happy, and motivated. 

1 week!

Hooray!  First week over and done with.  I feel good about the way that I behaved.  I went out to eat a few times, and decided that, in order for me to be succesful, I need one meal 'off' - meaning, no counting points, no worrying about it.  Just one meal, but I need that, guilt free.  I enjoyed that at a local restaurant, out with a client.  We drank wine, ate appetizers, and I felt good about it.  Then, I returned home and decided to have a few more glasses of wine.  As a result, I felt crappy the next day and didn't work out.  Bad, bad weight watcher.  THAT behavior is a catalyst.  It's unhealthy, and makes me feel depressed and gross.  But overall, I stuck with the plan, ate well, worked out, and was okay with my progress.

Last night I thought (should have blogged - sorry!) about how the week went.  I took note of my feelings, how I physically felt, compared to last week.  Here's what I noticed:

Didn't feel bloated
Had no cravings for greasy food (I did, however, want a little ice cream, which I had)
Felt happier
Felt more motivated for the week ahead
Felt proud - regardless of what the scale said, I was okay with it.

Other noteworthy events - I:
Did my first 'long' 1/2 marathon training - a 5 mile treadmill work out - I ran, than ran/walked, than walked.  I was happy with all of it and felt great afterwards.
I saw my family - always stressful - but armed myself with a giant bottle of water, and carrot sticks to munch on.  I completely, 100% succeeded on staying on track.
I only drank that one night, no other alcohol.
I DID allow myself treats - a little bit of ice cream.
I ate more fruits and veggies, less carbs, and made a point to stop at a farmers market to pick up fresh and local produce.
I did NOT cook - and I want to.
I ate less sodium/salt.
I was super busy at work - and stayed on track despite.

Soooooo the result......DOWN 5.5 POUNDS!  Hooray!  Go me!

It's Wednesday!

2 days into my new lifestyle (as opposed to diet), am feeling great.  I 'ran' yesterday - I put that in quotes because I'm not sure if the huffing and puffing me can count as a real run, but I did it, regardless of how ugly it may have been.  And I had no Ipod!  I'm in between Ipods right now, so I figured yesterday's run was the worst of it.  I also took a step class - I used to LOVE step, in college I was a stepping queen.  I still really, really like it - it's somewhat out of fashion, but I think it's a great workout and can be a lot of fun.  The problem?  210 pound me was a ton of bricks.  I have NEVER felt so heavy.  I know that I have been heavy, but I feel like my body is tough to move and navigate right now.  You know what?  It's more motivation.  I won't be this heavy for much longer, but how gross I feel, and uncoordinated - it's more motivation.  This morning was spinning - and my fat was getting in the way, but that's okay.  It's temporary.

I have never considered myself fat.  I know that word has an ugly definition, and if you find it offensive, I genuinely apologize.  But I really didn't.  Heavy?  Sure.  Big?  OK.  Having put on weight?  Yup.  But fat?  No.  Now I do.  And it needs to end.  For health reasons.  Both mental and physical.  I can't look in the mirror.  I hate what I see.  I hate how much huffing and puffing I do.  I hate that I can't run a mile.  I hate that, in every aspect of my life, I get nervous about people talking about how fat I am.  I hate that my skin is broken out.  I hate that I have felt my heart racing.  I hate how overall heavy I feel.

My instructor this morning asked what are you riding for?  What 3 things are you doing this for?  Here are mine - health, success, survival.  In that order. 

Finally, someone posted this and I enjoyed it:

"You're right. It's easier to eat pizza than to run on the treadmill. It's easi...er to turn to ice cream rather then people for supporters.It's easier to say 'fuck it, I give up' than to say 'fuck this, I can do it". So you know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you day after day you can do this.If you don't believe you can, then you can't. that's the honest truth. You need to do this for you. And if you don't want it enough, then you sure as hell won't achieve it. So take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be WORTH IT."

I have been taking the easy way for far too long.  I have been living a life of no balance, and all indulgence.  Indulging is okay - but I'm 210.4 lbs.  This.  Needs.  To.  End.

210.4

Yup - 210.4.  That is the heaviest I have ever been.  When I started WW, 10 years ago, I was 170.  I got down to 127 (which was too skinny, actually).  Now my goal is in the 135-140 range.  So - there's my 80 lbs.  The good news?  This is what I thought it would be.  The better news?  I got into a fight with my Spanx this morning.  I had so much sweat dripping down my face while putting my make up on (and no, it wasn't that hot) that I looked like a melting clown.  I'm ready - am done, ready, and excited.  Am not sad, discouraged, angry.  Rather, am hopeful, motivated and - just- done.

So - here I am.  Breakfast this morning was in between a zillion meetings (I was out of the house by 6:30am, meeting people at my local coffee shop - go me!) - a 1/2 bagel with an egg white. 

Anyways - am sort of curiuos if anyone is reading this - so - if you are - hi!  And let me know!

End of life as I know it

Ok folks - this is it.  I just ordered dinner from Not Your Average Joes - mustard chicken, and am having some good chardonnay.  Now - the old me would have been a bingeing maniac, but I'm going into this with a different attitude.  I will be realistic.  I will indulge and I will live and enjoy.  But, I will lose this as well.  So this will be the last dinner that I just don't really think about (for the record I did not order dessert, but that's because I ate Kit Kats earlier) - and after this, until these 80 lbs are gone, things will be different.

This is for health and not pant size. 

This is for confidence and success.

This is for my future.

And tomorrow, I'll reveal online (and anonymously), my weight - something that I have never done before.  Wish me luck!  Am excited!

Oohhh exciting - my first comments!

Ohh how fun to have comments!  Especially from a personal hero of mine, Elina from Healthy and Sane.  I have followed her blog for a while, and have loved hearing her views on intuitive eating vs. dieting.  I should probably clear up a few things before going any further, in regards to my personal history with weight and dieting.

I have, for as long as I can remember, struggled with weight.  I can remember feeling horrendously fat in high school, and I look back on a size 4 me and am astonished.  It was not reality, it was false perception.  It's fair to say that I had a slight eating disorder by the time I was a senior in high school, however, nothing drastic. I was taken to my first Weight Watchers meeting at the age of 10, and have always struggled with the fact that - I love food, yet hate the weight.  I have had an obsessive dieting/bingeing history, and all of the guilt that goes along with it. 

When I lost weight 10 years ago, I strived to change everything.  I went to therapy, dove into the real issues behind weight gain, self esteem, feelings of self worthless-ness, and I continued my therapy for about 8 years.  I'm aware of the reasons of my weight gain - I'm not justifying it, but I'm aware of why it has happened, what my triggers were, and what lead me to the place I"m at now.  Without boring you with the details, let's just say I'm the definition of a stress eater - and the last 6 years have been the epitome of stress.  There have been failed relationships (including 1 moving out boyfriend), job changes, severe financial changes, starting a company, family changes, friendship changes.  I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just acknowledging, to myself, what has happened. 

I love the intuitive eating factor, and I have no intention of giving up food and wine.  They are 2 of my favorite things!  I adore going out to eat, drinking good wine and going out for drinks with friends is very important to me, and I am not saying, even a little, that these things will not take place.  I'm neither depressed nor lonely, nor feeling those self worthless feelings that haunted me 10 years ago.  Rather, I'm in a very good place.  I love my life, I'm proud of my company, I have the greatest friends and family in the world.  I will say that when I lost weight the first time, I was a bit obsessive, there was not a ton of balance.  I will also say that, though I am extremelly close with my family, my entire family is a bit obsessive with weight, nutrition, exercise, etc. This is not necessarily unhealthy, but I can attribute why I grew up with the somewhat dysfunctional relationship I have with food to the fact that, to this day, I can't sit down for a meal with my family without some discussion of calories, exercise, etc.

The reality is this - I need to lose weight.  I am obese, there aare risk factors, and I like my life too much to fall victim to my own circumstance.  That said, I'm giving myself a realistic goal for a reason - I am not looking to lose 5 lbs/week by sticking to a strict 1200 calorie/day plan, and giving up everything that I love.  I plan on following weight watchers, however, at my pace.  That said - I think back to something I heard the author of Eat, Pray, Love say, "There is a difference between eating amazing pasta and pizza in Italy, and standing over the kitchen sink shoving potato chips in your mouth."  It is the latter that I need to work on.

At first, I wasn't sure if this would be just for me, or something I'd actually try to get readers for.  I'm told that I'm funny and a good writer, so I think I'll try to share, however, I'll remain anonymous, as I plan on sharing my weight and personal feelings. 

So - a bit more about me:

I live in the Boston area.

I am happily single and unsure if I ever want to marry and have kids.

I started a consulting business last year and work from home, but frequently take people out.

I am an animal lover - especially cats and frogs.

I go to Healthworks - and I LOVE my gym.

I'm impatient.  I wish I wasn't, but I am, and it's my biggest hurdle professionally. 

I tend to work quickly, not be detail oriented, and as such, there may be typos on here.  Am sorry!

I love to go walking and hiking.

I will always support a small business over a chain, so you will rarely see me posting about eating at chain - anything.  This goes for coffee shops, fast food, casual dining, book stores, grocery stores - anything.

I always try to eat local and, for the most part, organic.  I frequent farmers markets and would prefer to support a local farm over anything else.

I'm funny with meat - I didn't eat red meat for about 15 years, I did again in my 20's, and this year stopped.  I'm not saying I'll never eat red meat again, but I need to know that it's grass fed and local.  I don't like pork products, and I'm funny with chicken - I'll eat it, but it has to be cooked perfectly, all white meat, and I'd prefer local and free range.  I will, however, eat hot dogs at Fenway.  This is my one exception.

I hate cilantro with a passion - ditto green peppers, cooked carrots, olives, and melon (but not watermelon).

I love go out for food and drinks.

I am a die hard Red Sox fan.

I HATE people who are mean, disrepectful to other living beings including animals, and people who don't respect the environment.

I am a far left liberal - I only put that out there because if politics ever comes up here, I want to be honest right away where I stand.  I respect everyone's views but will disagree with you if you are conservative on social issues.

I try to commit random acts of kindness on a daily basis - including anonymously buying lunch for people, paying people's tolls, giving 50-100% tips, making donations - I enjoy it, and I believe that if you put good energy out there, it comes back to you.

I volunteer often - to remain anonymous, I'm not going to disclose where, but I've been involved with one particular organization for about 5 years, and I am active in a couple of political organizations as well.

I love to read - fiction historical fiction, non-fiction, biographies, mysteries - anything but science fiction and twilight, really!  I have way too many favorites to share, but am very happy to give suggestions if asked.

I have many guilty TV pleasures - reality TV, stupid TV, lifetime movies included.

I'm REALLY hoping to fulfill my goal of running a half marathon in October.  If I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I'm going to try.

I grew up Jewish and I'm cultural but not religious.

My favorite food related blogs are:
http://carrotsncake.com/
http://www.healthyandsane.com/about/ (and I'm REALLY honored the Elina took the time to comment here, she's a hero of mine in the blog world)
http://www.crunchesforcupcakes.com/

So - thank you so much for your comments, and I hope that you enjoy my perspective on things.  It will be honest, that much I can promise.  Am not sure what else I can promise, but honesty will be here.

"Last Supper" Day

Well - I'm a Jew, but I do like the whole 'Last Supper' painting - so - today's my version.  I can't tell you how many times I've done this - thought, "Today's it, after today, I'm never eating pizza again" - but - I want, really want, to mean it.  I calculated that my goal of 80 pounds in 14 months is completely realistic - comes out to an average of 1.5lbs per week.  I want to emphaisize that I know, if I put my mind to it, that I can do this.  I did it before - exactly 10 years ago, at the age of 23, I joined weight watchers and succesfully lost 50 pounds in about 10 months.  Granted, my metabolism was 10 years younger then it is now, but still - it happened.  I kept it off for about 6 months, and then - well - I had the whole, "I'm cured" feeling.  I don't really know how now, 10 years later, I have gained that plus 30 pounds back - but - I can't think backwards, only forwards.

The reality is this is the perfect time.  I have no plans this summer, I'm single, I'm motivated, and my work (I started my own business last year) has started to make some money.  I'm less stressed than I was, I have some time and flexibility, and I have a realistic aspiration.  Also, I have reasons to do this now.  Here are some of them, and NONE include anything about pants size.

Risk of diabetes
Risk of heart disease
Depression
Sleep issues
Anxiety
Skin issues (I have noticed more acne lately)
Risk of high high blood pressure
Risk of "bad numbers" at the doctor
Risk of poor circulation

You will note that diabetes is numero uno.  It runs in my family - not my immediate family, but I am named after someone who was blind from diabetes, and passed away from it.  My grandfather had it as well - that is both sides of my family. 

As of now - I do not have high anything.  Ironically, despite being technically obese, my numbers are all very good.  This is why I must do this now, before that changes.

I had this same exact goal on New Years.  I wanted to lose this weight before my 34th bday.  And - it started out going very well.  I lost about 10 pounds, was in a good exercise routine, and was motivated.  Then - life happened.  I had weddings, travel, family commitments.  Travel throws me off, seeing my family throws me off, and I have basically ate like a pig for the last month.

So - it ends tomorrow.  Today - I want to document that I feel the following things:

Bloated
Puffy
Gross
Broken Out
Lethargic
A bit light headed
My ankes feel fat (I know, that's weird, but it's true)
I can't wear anything but my version of moo moos
I just walked to get coffee and my thighs were rubbing together - and it's not even hot and humid
I can not wrap my hand around my wrist (weird test that I do for myself)
My bracelet feels tight
My fingers look fat
I"m sort of depressed, not that bad, but a little
I am anxious about seeing someone I went to high school with, in fear that he will know how fat I have gotten

SO - now I have documentation of all of these things that I feel.  I can reference, it's out there for the world to see.

So anyways, today's it.  I will not feel this way after today.  But today, I will indulge.  So, for breakfast, I had a croissant and a scone.  Yes, both.  Last night I got pizza and I have some left over.  I won't have any left over after today. 

Tomorrow, I will share my weight, and will go from there.

KEEPING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE AND MOTIVATED

I'M CREATING THIS BLOG, ANONYMOUSLY, TO DOCUMENT MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY.  I'M A 33 YEAR OLD, AND I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH MY WEIGHT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.  AT THIS POINT, IT'S BECOME MORE ABOUT HEALTH THEN JEANS, AND I NEED TO DO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.  I MAY TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THIS, AND I MAY NOT.  MY GOAL IS TO LOSE 80 LBS BY MY 35TH BIRTHDAY, 14 MONTHS FROM NOW.  I ALSO WANT TO TRAIN FOR A 1/2 MARATHON, IN 15 WEEKS.  LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS!