Okay - am determined to figure out the answer to my question. Deedee's comment below made a ton of sense (please read!) - and Elina's documented journey of life without a diet over at http://www.healthyandsane.com/ (AWESOME blog) is similar. Clearly, we are smart girls, and we can figure this out.
Like DeeDee, I was raised with food as somewhat of a taboo. I was taken to my first ww meeting at age 10, I proudly wore a t-shirt (bought my parents, who were hysterical laughing) that said, "I'm on a seafood diet; when I see food I eat it"; I was taught to celebrate with food, comfort with food, but at the same time - that food was somehow forbidden and bad. Very dysfunctional and obsessive. As a Jewish woman, I believe that this is somewhat cultural - however, many cultures can repeat that setiment.
Another factor of my growing up was growing up with my sister. To no fault of her own, she has an opposite body type - very skinny - so while I was taught to use food as celebration, comfort, but also that it's somewhat evil - she was urged to have malteds after every meal and finish her plate. VERY confusing to a child like myself, who - genuinely - loved food. She also excelled in every single way imaginable - was beautiful, brilliant, loved by everyone, athletic. Me? Not so much. In households with siblings there is a pressure to compete - and frankly, my parents did nothing to encourage our competition, they loved us as individuals and urged us to pursue what we were both talented in. Her? That was everything. Me? It was reading, writing, baking, and working (I was always a work horse). External or our home, however, was a different story. Teachers in our school commented to me how it must be difficult to grow up with such an advanced sister. Friends made comments to me, asking me how I handled how perfect she was. My boyfriends asked me they could fuck her. Very odd for little old 'thick' me.
So - here I am - at 34. I want to emphasize that my family is amazing - truly - I'm very close with my parents and my sister, and have grown to accept the mistakes they may have made in terms of food and dieting. It was purely out of love and health, and I know that. Times were different, they did what they thought was right. My sister was my biggest (skinniest?) cheerleader, then and now. I own my issues and they are mine. This is purely my background, and we all have them.
So - here's where I'm at. Today I weigh 211.4 lbs. I began this blog at 210. So - meh - it is what it is.
Yesterday, I ordered a bunch of self help books (don't judge!) from amazon (no funny looks!). I'm going to do some reading, thinking, journalling, exercising, and - purging. No, I'm not becoming bulimic (I tried that my senior year of high school). I'm going to clean out my closets, organize my life, and see where that gets me.
I am absolutley determined to figure out the reasons for my behavior, and while doing so, shed some of this weight. I'm going to go beyond the, "today I ate 1200 calories" and conquere the, "why do I want to shove an entire apple pie down my throat". I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday who has struggled with the same things. Her husband lost his job, she has been dealing with feelings of being a stay at home mother, and as a result - she has gained weight. We both wondered why we can't be one of those people who is repulsed by food during stress (we're not, sadly).
So many of us deal with these things. I'm going to try to figure this out. One thought and one pound and one week at a time.
Would love to hear some thoughts!
WOW!!!!!!!! This gave me goosebumps and almost tear up! I love my family just like you but MAN, some damage was done!! We are of similar age as well...which strikes me as very interesting. I don't know what it is, but it must be key that we...in our 30's.. are going through this. Personally, I've never faced this much neurosis about food and dieting...not sure if that is the same for you. I've struggled my whole life, but this has now hit an entire new level and I feel 'insane' at times and self-loathing. I can think of no other explanation than that we are older and our bodies have simply had enough...the only way to get our attention is to drop us to our knees with suffering??? No idea, just a guess. I almost feel like, 'ok, that 'binge person' is the enemy...me and my body are allies now. I'm going to treat my body right...I'm going to wait until a feel a little bit hungry, eat a little of whatever I want until I feel some in my tummy...and repeat! Maybe it's 5 times a day, maybe it's 3. I'm on my body's side now and Binge Chic can go eff herself. hehe, I know I'm nuts! What do you think? I notice Binge Chic stays quieter if I eat what I want, even if I eat just enough to get rid of that hungry (true hunger) feeling. We can do this!
ReplyDeleteDeeDee
Thanks so much for the comment DeeDee! It really means a lot, that there's someone else out there. The only time I can remember where I wasn't obsessive with my body and food was in college. For 4 years I was happily a size 8 or so, and could have cared less about my weight. I honestly don't think I even weighed myself. I ate well, never binged (sober), fed my body what it felt like, exercised regularly, and was always happy with the way I looked and felt. And that was WITH downing a million beers every weekend and eating late night pizza! Maybe it was getting away from my family and town, and maybe it was just growing up a bit, but if I could go back to any self feeling-phase, that would be it.
ReplyDeleteAlas, that was 13 years ago (WOW). I do think my body image has gotten worse with age, and I agree that it's at a horrific point now. The problem is that I HAVE to lose some weight, I'm not healthy, weight wise.
I think you make some amazing points about intuitive eating. Let's keep each other in check and updated! Thank you so much for your comments, means so much! :)