2 days into my new lifestyle (as opposed to diet), am feeling great. I 'ran' yesterday - I put that in quotes because I'm not sure if the huffing and puffing me can count as a real run, but I did it, regardless of how ugly it may have been. And I had no Ipod! I'm in between Ipods right now, so I figured yesterday's run was the worst of it. I also took a step class - I used to LOVE step, in college I was a stepping queen. I still really, really like it - it's somewhat out of fashion, but I think it's a great workout and can be a lot of fun. The problem? 210 pound me was a ton of bricks. I have NEVER felt so heavy. I know that I have been heavy, but I feel like my body is tough to move and navigate right now. You know what? It's more motivation. I won't be this heavy for much longer, but how gross I feel, and uncoordinated - it's more motivation. This morning was spinning - and my fat was getting in the way, but that's okay. It's temporary.
I have never considered myself fat. I know that word has an ugly definition, and if you find it offensive, I genuinely apologize. But I really didn't. Heavy? Sure. Big? OK. Having put on weight? Yup. But fat? No. Now I do. And it needs to end. For health reasons. Both mental and physical. I can't look in the mirror. I hate what I see. I hate how much huffing and puffing I do. I hate that I can't run a mile. I hate that, in every aspect of my life, I get nervous about people talking about how fat I am. I hate that my skin is broken out. I hate that I have felt my heart racing. I hate how overall heavy I feel.
My instructor this morning asked what are you riding for? What 3 things are you doing this for? Here are mine - health, success, survival. In that order.
Finally, someone posted this and I enjoyed it:
"You're right. It's easier to eat pizza than to run on the treadmill. It's easi...er to turn to ice cream rather then people for supporters.It's easier to say 'fuck it, I give up' than to say 'fuck this, I can do it". So you know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you day after day you can do this.If you don't believe you can, then you can't. that's the honest truth. You need to do this for you. And if you don't want it enough, then you sure as hell won't achieve it. So take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be WORTH IT."
I have been taking the easy way for far too long. I have been living a life of no balance, and all indulgence. Indulging is okay - but I'm 210.4 lbs. This. Needs. To. End.
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