I'm...gulp.....I'm......hesitating to say this.....I...think I'm making some real progress. Wow.
Well first things first - I lost 1 pounds this week. Meh - whatever. I'm more excited about the other forms of progress.
I've felt stressed - and recognized the urge to eat - and saw it for what it was. The urge to eat. I went for a walk.
I've felt disappointed and sad...and recognized the urge to eat my brains out and drink until I fall down....and saw it for what it was. I watched some TV and emailed a friend.
I've stopped thinking of exercise as a chore for weight related reasons and started thinking of it as something nice to do for my body. I've worked out almost every day, and not felt at all guilty on the days that I didn't.
I've eaten for joy - and been okay with it. I've enjoyed it for what it was - a conscious desicion, and pleasure. But mostly, I've eaten fuel foods, and I've been fine with that.
But the biggest way that I can tell I've changed - or am on the way? I. Haven't. Binged. Not once have I eaten to the point of being gross. Not once have I ate and regretted it. Not once have I shamefully emptied the garbage because I can't stand to look at the wrappers in there. I haven't felt guilt, therefore, I haven't felt that, "well I've fucked up, may as well start over next week" feeling.
However, this weekend is my birthday. Tomorrow. Am having my family up to celebrate with me, and am planning on going out for a yummy dinner tomorrow night in the N. End. I'll eat. And drink. For joy. Am also going to take myself out for fried clams next week. My 1x/year outing.
So - we'll see if I can make it through this binge free. Am REALLY going to try.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Update
I'm really loving my new plan. I think before I eat, pay attention to hunger signals while I'm eating, don't feel guilty, balance, and journal - both food and feelings. This week I had some challenges - my friend showed up with a bottle of wine....so I had carrots for dinner. I went to lunch with a client and strategically had a snack first, ordered a salad, ate half. I've been avoiding cheese and my belly feels better. I have fallen back in love with tofu shirataki - and have been having sauteed tomatoes and garlic with tofu shirataki for dinner. Tonight I'm having dinner out for restaurant week, but I've checked out the menu and strategically decided what I'll have. Tomorrow night is drinks with a friend - but I"ll keep it in check.
And I lost 3.5 pounds - am at 208.6. Hooray for me!
And I lost 3.5 pounds - am at 208.6. Hooray for me!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Update - to WW or not?
I cancelled my subscription to WW. Am doing this my own way. Which - for the record - WILL include journalling - but I figure - if I'm on the fence, than why not save the money.
To quote Flashdance - What a feeling!
Hello!
Well - am feeling refreshed, renewed, and fabulous. I spent the weekend purging some stuff - some clothes, some junk. I have to say that when it came to getting rid of my super skinny clothes, I struggled. Was I willing to completely give up on me at size 4? So - I compromised, and got rid of some of the clothes, but not all. I have 2 large closets, one is for various sizes, so I figured - why not. But I just felt way lighter and better.
Yesterday I snuggled up with the book, "If I'm so smart, why can't I lose weight?" - by Brooke Castillo - http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Why-Cant-Lose-Weight/dp/1419618474. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I don't know what it my life made me pick this book up at this exact time, but all I can say is - you know all of those questions that I had last week? Why do I overeat? What question am I trying to answer? What am I trying to fullfill? Well - it's basically as if the universe heard me and said - here! Read this and shut up! I had a similar revelation when I read Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel - also amazing - but this really dug into some emotional aspects of overeating. I spent the day reading, thinking, meditating, journalling, and laughing at myself for said activities. The title of the book, I admit, reminds me of a scene in Sex and the City when Charlotte is browsing the self help section of a book store and sees all of these funny book titles - and encounters a crying lady reading something and saying, "that really helped me!". But - regardless - it made me think a LOT, and start shifting my thoughts on food, exercise, etc. I won't get into all of the details - because honestly I'm not capable of summing it up - just read it. I'd recommend Naturally Thin as well - I think the combination of the 2 books is fantastic, with Naturally Thin focusing on how to eat, and Brooke's book (I can't write the silly name again!) focusing on the emotional aspects of overeating, what we are facing and what we need to over come.
A lot is intuitive eating, common sense, etc. But reading it all at once was pretty mind blowing. I actually woke up this morning and felt really excited about my day, to begin with exercise and just - have a good day. Ironically last night I dreamt about a session with my old therapist (who I saw for years and love) - in our session, I was chatting about the fact that I was dating 2 guys, neither I really was super into but was having fun with both of them, and they were both really into me. Funny.
So - today. Where do I go. First, I need to work on journalling more - already started. Next, I need to figure out what to do about weight watchers/journalling on my own. I've been following ww online, and I do feel that I need to journal or do WW to keep myself honest, but I'm leaning toward cancelling my membership and just doing it on my own. Lastly, and this is the most difficult, I need to deal with the fact that my family's visiting in 2 weeks. Which is my fault. I invited them to spend my birthday with me. Birthdays alone suck. But I REALLY don't want to be obsessive over food, exercise, calories, etc. My mother can't go 1 hour without a conversation about exercise, spinning, dieting, etc. She just can't. I REALLY don't want to be around that. I need to break up with the obsessive-ness that she has aided in creating within me. So - I'll think about it.
For now - wowzers am I feeling good.
Well - am feeling refreshed, renewed, and fabulous. I spent the weekend purging some stuff - some clothes, some junk. I have to say that when it came to getting rid of my super skinny clothes, I struggled. Was I willing to completely give up on me at size 4? So - I compromised, and got rid of some of the clothes, but not all. I have 2 large closets, one is for various sizes, so I figured - why not. But I just felt way lighter and better.
Yesterday I snuggled up with the book, "If I'm so smart, why can't I lose weight?" - by Brooke Castillo - http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Why-Cant-Lose-Weight/dp/1419618474. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I don't know what it my life made me pick this book up at this exact time, but all I can say is - you know all of those questions that I had last week? Why do I overeat? What question am I trying to answer? What am I trying to fullfill? Well - it's basically as if the universe heard me and said - here! Read this and shut up! I had a similar revelation when I read Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel - also amazing - but this really dug into some emotional aspects of overeating. I spent the day reading, thinking, meditating, journalling, and laughing at myself for said activities. The title of the book, I admit, reminds me of a scene in Sex and the City when Charlotte is browsing the self help section of a book store and sees all of these funny book titles - and encounters a crying lady reading something and saying, "that really helped me!". But - regardless - it made me think a LOT, and start shifting my thoughts on food, exercise, etc. I won't get into all of the details - because honestly I'm not capable of summing it up - just read it. I'd recommend Naturally Thin as well - I think the combination of the 2 books is fantastic, with Naturally Thin focusing on how to eat, and Brooke's book (I can't write the silly name again!) focusing on the emotional aspects of overeating, what we are facing and what we need to over come.
A lot is intuitive eating, common sense, etc. But reading it all at once was pretty mind blowing. I actually woke up this morning and felt really excited about my day, to begin with exercise and just - have a good day. Ironically last night I dreamt about a session with my old therapist (who I saw for years and love) - in our session, I was chatting about the fact that I was dating 2 guys, neither I really was super into but was having fun with both of them, and they were both really into me. Funny.
So - today. Where do I go. First, I need to work on journalling more - already started. Next, I need to figure out what to do about weight watchers/journalling on my own. I've been following ww online, and I do feel that I need to journal or do WW to keep myself honest, but I'm leaning toward cancelling my membership and just doing it on my own. Lastly, and this is the most difficult, I need to deal with the fact that my family's visiting in 2 weeks. Which is my fault. I invited them to spend my birthday with me. Birthdays alone suck. But I REALLY don't want to be obsessive over food, exercise, calories, etc. My mother can't go 1 hour without a conversation about exercise, spinning, dieting, etc. She just can't. I REALLY don't want to be around that. I need to break up with the obsessive-ness that she has aided in creating within me. So - I'll think about it.
For now - wowzers am I feeling good.
Friday, August 12, 2011
5 Questions
Tina over at http://www.carrotsncake.com/ just posted this, so I figured I'd play - would love to hear from anyone out there as well!
What are you really good at? What are you really bad at? I'm really good at reading and writing, multitasking, organizing myself, communicating with people, showing empathy, playing with my cats, working, business sense, Hollywood gossip and trivia, playing with my niece and nephews, motivating people, being a good friend and listener and support, self motivation, and planning fun nights out.
I'm really bad at anything creative/artistic (including arts and crafts, being stylish, fashion - anything), anything science - related, anything handy (furniture, house work - anything), becoming thin, being patient about anything, relationships (since I"ve been single and never want to get married), running (am trying), yoga, being flexible, crossword puzzles even though I love them, being kind to myself, compromising with others, being managed.
Have you ever been in a car accident? What happened? Several fender benders - being hit in parking lots by other cars, things like that - these things happen in a city and small parking lots with a lot of people. I once side swiped someone, totally my fault and took responsibility - that was in Watertown, and it was a horrific intersection that I don't go to anymore.
Why did you attend your college? Umass Amherst - proudly a state school girl
How did your parents’ relationship influence you? Hm - interesting question for me. My parents are together and have been for 41 years, however they've certainly had their challenges and they've worked really hard on their marriage. They seperated when I was in high school, my father moved out of state and they were to be divorced, however they opted to work things out. Should they have? Maybe, maybe not. That said, they are happy now, have learned, grown, and are each other's best friends and completeness.
However, through seeing how challenging their marriage was at times, and how much work, pain, compromise, and challenge went into it - that may have influenced me to be weary of marriage and not want to give too much of myself in a relationship.
What were the three happiest moments of your life?Yikes! Let me think, I'll just rattle off the top 3 that come to mind, but obviously these have changed through the years:
1) quitting my job in the corporate world to start my own business - as Frankie says, "to do it my way"
2) getting my own apartment (moving out from roommates)
3) paying off credit card debt
What are you really good at? What are you really bad at? I'm really good at reading and writing, multitasking, organizing myself, communicating with people, showing empathy, playing with my cats, working, business sense, Hollywood gossip and trivia, playing with my niece and nephews, motivating people, being a good friend and listener and support, self motivation, and planning fun nights out.
I'm really bad at anything creative/artistic (including arts and crafts, being stylish, fashion - anything), anything science - related, anything handy (furniture, house work - anything), becoming thin, being patient about anything, relationships (since I"ve been single and never want to get married), running (am trying), yoga, being flexible, crossword puzzles even though I love them, being kind to myself, compromising with others, being managed.
Have you ever been in a car accident? What happened? Several fender benders - being hit in parking lots by other cars, things like that - these things happen in a city and small parking lots with a lot of people. I once side swiped someone, totally my fault and took responsibility - that was in Watertown, and it was a horrific intersection that I don't go to anymore.
Why did you attend your college? Umass Amherst - proudly a state school girl
How did your parents’ relationship influence you? Hm - interesting question for me. My parents are together and have been for 41 years, however they've certainly had their challenges and they've worked really hard on their marriage. They seperated when I was in high school, my father moved out of state and they were to be divorced, however they opted to work things out. Should they have? Maybe, maybe not. That said, they are happy now, have learned, grown, and are each other's best friends and completeness.
However, through seeing how challenging their marriage was at times, and how much work, pain, compromise, and challenge went into it - that may have influenced me to be weary of marriage and not want to give too much of myself in a relationship.
What were the three happiest moments of your life?Yikes! Let me think, I'll just rattle off the top 3 that come to mind, but obviously these have changed through the years:
1) quitting my job in the corporate world to start my own business - as Frankie says, "to do it my way"
2) getting my own apartment (moving out from roommates)
3) paying off credit card debt
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Determined to figure out the why
Okay - am determined to figure out the answer to my question. Deedee's comment below made a ton of sense (please read!) - and Elina's documented journey of life without a diet over at http://www.healthyandsane.com/ (AWESOME blog) is similar. Clearly, we are smart girls, and we can figure this out.
Like DeeDee, I was raised with food as somewhat of a taboo. I was taken to my first ww meeting at age 10, I proudly wore a t-shirt (bought my parents, who were hysterical laughing) that said, "I'm on a seafood diet; when I see food I eat it"; I was taught to celebrate with food, comfort with food, but at the same time - that food was somehow forbidden and bad. Very dysfunctional and obsessive. As a Jewish woman, I believe that this is somewhat cultural - however, many cultures can repeat that setiment.
Another factor of my growing up was growing up with my sister. To no fault of her own, she has an opposite body type - very skinny - so while I was taught to use food as celebration, comfort, but also that it's somewhat evil - she was urged to have malteds after every meal and finish her plate. VERY confusing to a child like myself, who - genuinely - loved food. She also excelled in every single way imaginable - was beautiful, brilliant, loved by everyone, athletic. Me? Not so much. In households with siblings there is a pressure to compete - and frankly, my parents did nothing to encourage our competition, they loved us as individuals and urged us to pursue what we were both talented in. Her? That was everything. Me? It was reading, writing, baking, and working (I was always a work horse). External or our home, however, was a different story. Teachers in our school commented to me how it must be difficult to grow up with such an advanced sister. Friends made comments to me, asking me how I handled how perfect she was. My boyfriends asked me they could fuck her. Very odd for little old 'thick' me.
So - here I am - at 34. I want to emphasize that my family is amazing - truly - I'm very close with my parents and my sister, and have grown to accept the mistakes they may have made in terms of food and dieting. It was purely out of love and health, and I know that. Times were different, they did what they thought was right. My sister was my biggest (skinniest?) cheerleader, then and now. I own my issues and they are mine. This is purely my background, and we all have them.
So - here's where I'm at. Today I weigh 211.4 lbs. I began this blog at 210. So - meh - it is what it is.
Yesterday, I ordered a bunch of self help books (don't judge!) from amazon (no funny looks!). I'm going to do some reading, thinking, journalling, exercising, and - purging. No, I'm not becoming bulimic (I tried that my senior year of high school). I'm going to clean out my closets, organize my life, and see where that gets me.
I am absolutley determined to figure out the reasons for my behavior, and while doing so, shed some of this weight. I'm going to go beyond the, "today I ate 1200 calories" and conquere the, "why do I want to shove an entire apple pie down my throat". I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday who has struggled with the same things. Her husband lost his job, she has been dealing with feelings of being a stay at home mother, and as a result - she has gained weight. We both wondered why we can't be one of those people who is repulsed by food during stress (we're not, sadly).
So many of us deal with these things. I'm going to try to figure this out. One thought and one pound and one week at a time.
Would love to hear some thoughts!
Like DeeDee, I was raised with food as somewhat of a taboo. I was taken to my first ww meeting at age 10, I proudly wore a t-shirt (bought my parents, who were hysterical laughing) that said, "I'm on a seafood diet; when I see food I eat it"; I was taught to celebrate with food, comfort with food, but at the same time - that food was somehow forbidden and bad. Very dysfunctional and obsessive. As a Jewish woman, I believe that this is somewhat cultural - however, many cultures can repeat that setiment.
Another factor of my growing up was growing up with my sister. To no fault of her own, she has an opposite body type - very skinny - so while I was taught to use food as celebration, comfort, but also that it's somewhat evil - she was urged to have malteds after every meal and finish her plate. VERY confusing to a child like myself, who - genuinely - loved food. She also excelled in every single way imaginable - was beautiful, brilliant, loved by everyone, athletic. Me? Not so much. In households with siblings there is a pressure to compete - and frankly, my parents did nothing to encourage our competition, they loved us as individuals and urged us to pursue what we were both talented in. Her? That was everything. Me? It was reading, writing, baking, and working (I was always a work horse). External or our home, however, was a different story. Teachers in our school commented to me how it must be difficult to grow up with such an advanced sister. Friends made comments to me, asking me how I handled how perfect she was. My boyfriends asked me they could fuck her. Very odd for little old 'thick' me.
So - here I am - at 34. I want to emphasize that my family is amazing - truly - I'm very close with my parents and my sister, and have grown to accept the mistakes they may have made in terms of food and dieting. It was purely out of love and health, and I know that. Times were different, they did what they thought was right. My sister was my biggest (skinniest?) cheerleader, then and now. I own my issues and they are mine. This is purely my background, and we all have them.
So - here's where I'm at. Today I weigh 211.4 lbs. I began this blog at 210. So - meh - it is what it is.
Yesterday, I ordered a bunch of self help books (don't judge!) from amazon (no funny looks!). I'm going to do some reading, thinking, journalling, exercising, and - purging. No, I'm not becoming bulimic (I tried that my senior year of high school). I'm going to clean out my closets, organize my life, and see where that gets me.
I am absolutley determined to figure out the reasons for my behavior, and while doing so, shed some of this weight. I'm going to go beyond the, "today I ate 1200 calories" and conquere the, "why do I want to shove an entire apple pie down my throat". I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday who has struggled with the same things. Her husband lost his job, she has been dealing with feelings of being a stay at home mother, and as a result - she has gained weight. We both wondered why we can't be one of those people who is repulsed by food during stress (we're not, sadly).
So many of us deal with these things. I'm going to try to figure this out. One thought and one pound and one week at a time.
Would love to hear some thoughts!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
Here's a real question - something I've been wondering for a while. I truly wish I knew the answer, but after years of therapy, journalling, weight watchers, weight loss, weight gain, self aware-ness, I still don't. Ready?
WHY DO WE OVEREAT? WHY DO WE USE FOOD AS AN ANSWER TO QUESTIONS - WHEN IT NEVER IS?
Why do we self sabatoge with food? Doesn't it seem like such a simple question? People without body issues, from my observation, do not do this. They don't sit and splurge and stuff themselves silly, at least not the people that I know. My sister, who is TINY (easily the size of an Olsen twin) - eats what she wants. Plain, simple, that's all. If she wants a cookie, she'll have one. She is a Foodie, true and true, and her (equally tiny) husband and her eat out, enjoy food - the way it's meant to be enjoyed. But - what does she not do? Eat until she can't breath. I joke that in her kitchen, there are small, elf sized portions because she saves everything, so she will have 1/2 of 1/2 of a sandwich, than wrap it up, and bring it home. She neither celebrates with food, nor sabatoges herself with food. She does not eat when she's bored, depressed, stressed. She uses food for pleasure and sustainment. And that is all.
My mother and I are the opposite. My mother, who has lost significant weight in the past 5 years and actually is quite small now, and I will eat our brains out to celebrate that we're on vacation. We'll eat until our tits fall out of our bras when we are sad or depressed. Than we'll feel worse. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Why do some people have this gene, and others just don't? All of my friends, who struggle with their weight/body image, have this battle, and we are soldiers every single fucking day of our lives.
Why did I eat french fries today at lunch until I felt like I was going to keel over and shit myself? I knew when "my body sighed" (as we used to say in weight watchers). I'm aware. Is it because I'm stressed? Bored? Somewhat lonely?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a healthy way to live to simply eat fruit and vegetables. I firmly believe that food is pleasure, and should be enjoyed as so. So why do some people do that, and others seem to struggle with it?
I have equated, at time, good food to good sex. There is such pleasure in amazing food, as there is in amazing sex. Do I overeat right now because I'm not having sex (am single and too old to go fuck the bartender like I used to)? But I know lots of people who have lots of good sex, and they still overeat.
So - what is the need that we are trying to fulfill? What is the question that we are trying to answer? Why are we feeding our emotions, vs. simply enjoying food the way it should be enjoyed?
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
WHY DO WE OVEREAT? WHY DO WE USE FOOD AS AN ANSWER TO QUESTIONS - WHEN IT NEVER IS?
Why do we self sabatoge with food? Doesn't it seem like such a simple question? People without body issues, from my observation, do not do this. They don't sit and splurge and stuff themselves silly, at least not the people that I know. My sister, who is TINY (easily the size of an Olsen twin) - eats what she wants. Plain, simple, that's all. If she wants a cookie, she'll have one. She is a Foodie, true and true, and her (equally tiny) husband and her eat out, enjoy food - the way it's meant to be enjoyed. But - what does she not do? Eat until she can't breath. I joke that in her kitchen, there are small, elf sized portions because she saves everything, so she will have 1/2 of 1/2 of a sandwich, than wrap it up, and bring it home. She neither celebrates with food, nor sabatoges herself with food. She does not eat when she's bored, depressed, stressed. She uses food for pleasure and sustainment. And that is all.
My mother and I are the opposite. My mother, who has lost significant weight in the past 5 years and actually is quite small now, and I will eat our brains out to celebrate that we're on vacation. We'll eat until our tits fall out of our bras when we are sad or depressed. Than we'll feel worse. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Why do some people have this gene, and others just don't? All of my friends, who struggle with their weight/body image, have this battle, and we are soldiers every single fucking day of our lives.
Why did I eat french fries today at lunch until I felt like I was going to keel over and shit myself? I knew when "my body sighed" (as we used to say in weight watchers). I'm aware. Is it because I'm stressed? Bored? Somewhat lonely?
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a healthy way to live to simply eat fruit and vegetables. I firmly believe that food is pleasure, and should be enjoyed as so. So why do some people do that, and others seem to struggle with it?
I have equated, at time, good food to good sex. There is such pleasure in amazing food, as there is in amazing sex. Do I overeat right now because I'm not having sex (am single and too old to go fuck the bartender like I used to)? But I know lots of people who have lots of good sex, and they still overeat.
So - what is the need that we are trying to fulfill? What is the question that we are trying to answer? Why are we feeding our emotions, vs. simply enjoying food the way it should be enjoyed?
To quote Annie Lenox - why?
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